Guerrilla Makeover!

  We don't trust anyone but Lan Lan Salon at Madison Avenue and 60th with our tresses. I mean, screw Samson—it's us ladies who keep all our strength in our hair. Are we right, or are we right?!?

First, Desiree got a quick consultation, then a cleansing rinse, shampoo, and condition. Lan Lan uses Pia Fnar Placenta hair products exclusively. Yes, they do contain human placenta, and no, it is not that gross! It isn't like they kill babies to make the stuff. It basically grows on trees in hospitals, and otherwise, it would just get flushed down the toilet! Do you know how much protein is in placenta? Sooooo much (no wonder natives eat it)! And Pia Fnar makes all their placenta products smell like apples, even though we'd use it if it smelled like, well, placenta.

We decided that the best way to drag out the natural sheen in Desiree's hair was to add fun-filled highlights in shocking and daring colors. Lucky for her, she didn't even need a cut.

  Now for a few finishing touches. First, these snappy little shoes by girl-about-town and

zapatos

designer Holly Dunlap (aka Holly Would—such a bastion of class and taste). Then, a Louis Vuitton overnight bag. We think bigger is better when it comes to bags and can 99 percent guarantee that next season you will see girls using suitcases for purses. You heard it here first, people!

Next, a few frolicking little touches of fake gold. We got ours on Canal Street, which is this awesome thoroughfare that runs through Chinatown. They sell all kinds of cool fake stuff there—don't you read Time Out New York? They blew the lid off Canal Street this summer.

Voilá! A whole new Desiree. When she looked in the mirror she could barely believe it, and, as luck would have it, she had a hot first date that night with a young man-about-town (who shall remain nameless, though he has been seen with a certain black actress who just finished starring in a certain lowbrow trilogy—hint hint)! [Could you be more obvious?—Ed.] Talk about upwardly mobile. We would love to have seen the look on his face when this stunning creature ambled in the door of the bistro where they were meeting.

See you next time!