Gwar

Photo Courtesy of David Brockie

Deep in the shadowy buttholes of Richmond, Virginia, lies the metal band GWAR­—a group so fowl and demented it could only be led by a beast with a fish for a penis. Originally from Antarctica, he goes by the name of Oderus. Filmmakers Will Carsola and Dave Stewart from comedy team daybyday, who herald from the bearded armpits of Richmond, constructed a heart-to-heart interview with our Antarctic friend to find the answers to the age-old question: Who is Oderus, really, and what makes him such a sincere and gentle spirit? Vice: I was told that GWAR stands for Grand Wizards Against Racism, and it originally stood for Giving Women Adequate Respect. Is this true? And why did you change the meaning? ODERUS: This is true, and we have also been known as Gay Women Against Rape, Great White Aryan Race, Gee War as Religion, Groaning Weird Anal Reprobates, and finally God, What a Racket. We changed the meaning to none at all because what is everything but nothing? If you could blow your cuddlefish load on the faces of five different Richmonders, who would they be and why? First of all, it’s the cuttlefish, not the “cuddle” fish… this thing is designed to core out vaginas, not tickle them. Second of all, can this list include people I have already blown my heady spunk on? Because I think I have done so on pretty much the entire population of that pathetic excuse for a scab of a town. Just about every celebrity in town from Randy “Sketchy Slave” Blythe to that clown act daybyday has felt the acidic tang of my face-peeling, clotted cum cream. But there is one Richmonder who has been spared—Jefferson Davis! Next time I’m in that Southern-fried shithole I’m digging his ass up. If I were to spread open your butt cheeks, how many used condoms would I find in there and why? You might find Maurice Gibb or a tire iron, you might find a sopping box of unbroken Nilla Wafers or the rotting corpse of Amelia Earhart, but you will certainly NOT find a single used condom. How am I to support the spread of AIDS if I practice safe sex? If you had a choice between getting raped by Godzilla or getting raped by the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, which would you choose and why? Please explain in great detail. Having already been raped by Godzilla (and it was consensual rape), this is a no-brainer, which quite frankly is just about the only kind of decision I am capable of making. Being raped by a giant marshmallow certainly raises some interesting possibilities, like: Is such a being even capable of achieving the erection necessary to pierce the manhole cover that protects my throbbing fuckhole? What is your favorite thing to do in Richmond besides drugs? Leave salty slugs of man seed on the lips of the Arthur Ashe statue. It seems the trannies have been shuffled around Richmond and are harder to find these days. Where is the best place to find a nice male prostitute with a huge cock? The internet. What inspired the lyrics to GWAR’s most famous song, “MMMBop”? The feeling of your mother’s lips on my bloated vulva. Is it true you are opening up a GWAR bar and grill in Richmond? Will you be the chef and what kind of things will we see on the menu? Yes, it is true, we shall be opening a GWAR-b-que in Richmond, crack-infested hellhole that it is. The glowing braziers shall be tended by the one and only (and lonely) Balsac the Jaws of Death and shall feature delicacies that have been featured on GWAR albums. Blobs of (in)edible matter that shall include Pig Dick Sandwich, Porcu-Butt Pie, Smoky Mountain Oysters, and of course the house specialty, the Meat Sandwich! At one of your recent shows, we witnessed GWAR ripping off the faces of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Does this mean that you are a Nader supporter? I supported both his cock and his balls. I worked the jerk-pole until his grayish semen dribbled nosily into a waiting baby’s mouth. He made shrill sounds, like a mandrill. Only in this way can we rape Cher. Who are some of your favorite Richmond bands and artists these days? Undoubtedly it is Dirtwoman, Richmond’s great, corpulent, greasily smeared 400-pound transvestite. This pig once battled the legendary Dicky Disgusting in a dog-food eating contest. Everybody else sucks. There are rumors that all the members of GWAR took turns defiling Lindsay Lohan after snorting cocaine out of her pussy on the GWAR tour bus, can you elaborate on this? No, we actually snorted cocaine with her pussy. And then we defiled her with the tour bus, parking it inside of her and turning the wipers on. Next up—parallel parking! Who leads the prayer right before GWAR goes out on stage? I do, of course, and it goes something like this: “OK, guys, this one is for Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, thank you, Lord, but Jesus, what the fuck did you ever do for me? You never did nothing, you fuck… Jesus… fuck… FUCK YOU, JESUS!” And then we fuck Jesus in the fucking mouth, the faggot. Well, it’s not really a prayer, but it gets the guys going. Did I mention we fuck Jesus? If you could sum up GWAR in one run-on sentence, what would it be? GWAR is a group of blood-thirsty cannibalistic space aliens who were created by their cosmic Master to be the ultimate weapon in his never-ending war of apocalypse, which he waged with himself to alleviate his terminal boredom and GWAR were members of the Seventh Scumdog Shock Army who committed some of their greatest crimes in his service but went too far when they obliterated Flab-Quarv 7 instead of Flab-Quarv 8 and great was his wrath at his renegade soldiers so he unleashed the power of the Death Pod and the Scumdogs were defeated and then loaded into the Butt-Cannon and shot across the universe until they collided with the most insignificant mudball planet in existence, Earth, where they immediately mated with apes, pigs, and dogs and created the human race, at which the Master was outraged so he froze the outcast warriors in the Antarctic wasteland of Antarctica in their great hulking tomb where they slept for millions of years, but even as they slept they were controlling the dreams and then the evolution of mankind, always toward the darker path until the day that capitalist music maverick and underground thug-lord Sleazy P. Martini, chased by the IRS, Granbo, and the Morality Squad, was shot down by the Argentine Air Force over the endless ice plains of Antarctica, OK, I’m speeding up now, and just then GWAR woke up and Sleazy gave them crack and turned them into a heavy-metal band and ever since then they have been waging a relentless war of slaughter and horror. More? INTERVIEW BY WILL CARSOLA & DAVE STEWART