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      I Made Our Interns Humiliate Each Other for Halloween

      October 31, 2012
      From the column 'Beauty School Dropout'

      Originally, I wanted to personally humiliate our interns by dressing them up in the stupidest and most degrading costumes I could think of. Unfortunately, the killjoys in our HR department said I'm not allowed to do that, so instead I just gave them $30 each, told them to buy each other's costumes, and let nature take its course.

      And, as usual, nature did not disappoint, serving us up a fairy covered in shit, quite a lot of semen, and something else I don't really understand, but that is by far the scariest costume I've seen so far this Halloween.

      Well done, interns. Your minds are disgusting and wonderful.

      MATT DRESSED FRANCEY AS: 'THE LEPRE-CUM'

      Matt says: "Francey's Irish and, like every other immigrant, that fact is never going to lose its novelty for me. So I chose to dress him up as a leprechaun. Although having to personify a tiny, little gold-hiding bastard is sort of embarrasing, it wasn't quite enough, so I resorted to shitty puns and covered his face in fake semen to create the "lepre-cum."

      This one comes from the shady corners of a very questionable mind. The dildo—which belongs to the VICE fashion cupboard; yeah, we know how to party—has been taped on top of the hat in a kind of fusion tribute to Philip Treacy, 70s Westwood, and a chapter from Naked Lunch, which is horrifying, yet totally fashion and completely depraved (both of which are very frightening characteristics). I'm also impressed by how well Matt managed to stretch the budget to cover an entire leprechaun suit AND some fake semen. Thrifty! For that, the adorably awkward posing, and the bit of semen that stayed smeared on Francey's face for the hour after they shot this picture, I'll give it a 6/10


      FRANCEY DRESSED MATT AS: 'PIZZA FACE SAUSAGE FINGERS'

      Francey says: "Some people spend their whole lives waiting around for that one moment of divine creativity—my Robert Fulton moment arrived when I was given the task of fucking up Matt Shea’s face for a blog post. The thought process behind ‘mutant pizza delivery boy’ began innocently enough: I wanted to tape pieces of raw meat to his face. But when I did that it reminded me of those pornos everyone's seen by now, where the guy delivers the pizza to a girl's house and when she goes to grab a slice—gasp!—his dick is in the box. So I made him finger a bunch of sausages. I think the finished product speaks for itself."

      This outfit appears to revolve solely around taping raw, probably contaminated bits of pig to someone's body. But while at first it seems like the laziest of the three efforts, it's difficult to underestimate how disgusting it is. If Pizza Face Sausage Fingers is freaking you out, imagine how bad it'll be for Matt's poor mother, who now has the potential misfortune of clicking on VICE.com and seeing her son staring back at her, lasciviously fingering ten sausages simultaneously. I still don't really understand Francey's concept, but then I guess I don't have his lazy, bloodshot, pervert eye for spotting the Grand Guignol in the banal and everyday—the head through a pizza box is actually a really great costume idea, especially if you're naturally afforded a bit of nice, oozy acne. So this one gets a pretty respectable 7/10


      CHLOE DRESSED CHLOE AS: 'THE SHIT FAIRY'

      Chloe says: “I have this thing about always wanting to be cute and girly whenever I dress up in fancy clothes, but since it's Halloween, I thought the shit fairy would be perfect. Everyone feels the shit fairy’s aura and tastes her shit the morning after the night before. Men across the city wake up every morning with bits of her shit entangled in their chest hair, and women wake up next to those men. Everyone knows this, but no one ever talks to me about it because they all think they're part of some superb club that I can't join, and because I'd never seen her IRL, I figured I'd bring that mysterious little bitch to life in the mirror of the office's handicap bathroom.”

      To be honest, before this blog post started, I wasn't aware of the shit fairy thing, so when I saw Chloe's outfit I was really, seriously horrified that this actually came out of someone's brain. Then Chloe sent me a link to the Urban Dictionary definition of a shit fairy (a fairy who shits in your mouth after a night of boozing), and I was able to slightly pull myself together. In hindsight, it's a pretty amazing costume: good concept, a nice fecal shock factor, and the added bonus of trotting around all night like a slutty Tinkerbell who's just chugged the remnants of John Goodman's toilet bowl. For that, the fact that Chloe stained her leotard, has spent all day prancing around the office in Starlight Express make-up, and completely disregarded the rules of this competition and made her own costume, I'm going to make her the winner, with an 8/10.

      Wooo! Congratulations, Chloe—you mythical, shitty princess!

      Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

      More Halloween-y stuff:

      John Martin Fischer Is Going to Solve the Afterlife

      I Was a Haunted House's Werewolf Pirate

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      Topics: Beauty School Dropout, Halloween, gross, interns

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