Hello, young lovers,Valentine's Day is a cruel and false holiday popularized by greeting-card companies to peddle more paper goods. Valentine's Day is also the final of the four miserable winter holidays on which you are reminded that no one loves you and/or you hate your fucking family.As a representative of VICE, I would like to address the young people reading this and tell them that lots of people are alone on Valentine's Day and that it is a bullshit holiday made to capitalize on the basest parts of the human psyche.We asked some of our favorite working cartoonists and illustrators about their worst Valentine's Day experiences and commissioned them to make custom valentines for you nice folks out there to give to someone you love or jerk off to or or just stare at as you cry and think about how you are so fat and awful and no one will ever love you.Happy Valentimes!—Nick Gazin
This valentine was made by Steak Mtn. (Christopher Norris), a graphic artist who currently lives and works in Brooklyn. A lean representation of his commercial and personal work can be viewed on his website.VICE: Worst Valentine's Day?
Steak Mtn: Valentine's Day is for civilians.
This valentine was made by Anya Davidson, a cartoonist, printmaker, and musician. She lives in Chicago, surrounded by cheerful clutter.VICE: Worst Valentine's Day?
Anya Davidson: I came home from work a few Valentine's Days ago and fed my rottweiler–German shepherd mutt, Junebug. Rather than scarf down her food and run happily to the door for her walk, as she usually does, she promptly vomited it back up in several large piles. It was too late to take her to the vet, so I canceled my plans to hang out with friends and spent the evening cleaning up puke, watching the original silent version of the The Golem from 1915, and feeding the dog chicken and Pepto Bismol which, administered in the correct doses, is incredibly safe and effective for dogs with an upset stomach.
This valentine was made by Andrew Lorenzi and Lauren Feret, who live in central Illinois, whiling away winter by drawing comics, painting, and embroidering. Check out some of their work here.VICE: Worst Valentine's Day?
Andrew Lorenzi and Lauren Feret: My worst Valentine's Day was in 2008, when I was a student at Northern Illinois University. My roommate and I were in class when a teacher charged into the room, ordering us to remain inside, away from the door and windows. Unbeknownst to us, in the adjacent building, a former student had entered a lecture hall armed with pistols. The student opened fire, killing five people and injuring 21 before taking his own life. I recall seeing ambulances and fire trucks filling the bus lot as paramedics and police officers filed past. We were locked in our classroom, without cell phone service, trying to glean information from the news station on my MP3 player.We were eventually permitted to leave campus, and a teacher drove us home. I spent hours trying to call my family and girlfriend while watching the events on the news. Six years later, it's still impossible for me to make any sense of these events.
This valentine was made by Alex Schubert, an artist who lives in Kansas City. His first book, Blobby Boys, has been called "kinda boring" by an anonymous Amazon reviewer.VICE: Worst Valentine's Day?
Alex Schubert: In grade school, we had to give a Valentine to everyone in the class. For some reason, in fourth grade, I suddenly realized it was weird to give valentines to people that I didn't like. I tried to get out of it, but my parents made me fill them all out. I remember giving a fat kid a valentine that said, "You're a ton of fun." It had a picture of a triceratops on it.
This valentine was by Miriam Carothers, an incredibly immature 33-year-old Brooklyn-based illustrator. She was born and raised in Manhattan and has been kicked out of several of its most prestigious private high schools as well as the Pratt Institute. Her work has been featured in the New York Observer, Juxtapoz, XO Jane, Refinery 29, etc… Check out some of her work here.VICE: Worst Valentine's Day?
Miriam Carothers: When asked to write about my worst Valentine's Day I was stoked to finally have a public forum to hate on one of my many atrocious ex-boyfriends, but then a little birdie reminded me that being mean is uncool. That and the fact that before getting sober 19 months ago, I don't remember shit about Valentine's Days from my blitzed past—maybe they were good? Crappy? I don't really know. Cheers to my self-esteem-preserving Swiss-cheese brain! I got nothin'. Hopefully everybody reading this has a rad Valentine's Day with lots of chocolate and sex and roses and stuff.
This valentine was by Nick Gazin, VICE's art editor. He lives in Brooklyn where he keeps busy by trying to get really fat. VICE: Worst Valentine's Day?
Nick Gazin: I got a call from a rock-'n'-roller who didn't like a review I'd mentioned him in, and he freaked out and said he was going to beat up me and my sister. I went to dinner with my girlfriend at the time, and my branzino tasted like mud. All I could think about was my sister getting beat up by some man.
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Steak Mtn: Valentine's Day is for civilians.
Anya Davidson: I came home from work a few Valentine's Days ago and fed my rottweiler–German shepherd mutt, Junebug. Rather than scarf down her food and run happily to the door for her walk, as she usually does, she promptly vomited it back up in several large piles. It was too late to take her to the vet, so I canceled my plans to hang out with friends and spent the evening cleaning up puke, watching the original silent version of the The Golem from 1915, and feeding the dog chicken and Pepto Bismol which, administered in the correct doses, is incredibly safe and effective for dogs with an upset stomach.
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Andrew Lorenzi and Lauren Feret: My worst Valentine's Day was in 2008, when I was a student at Northern Illinois University. My roommate and I were in class when a teacher charged into the room, ordering us to remain inside, away from the door and windows. Unbeknownst to us, in the adjacent building, a former student had entered a lecture hall armed with pistols. The student opened fire, killing five people and injuring 21 before taking his own life. I recall seeing ambulances and fire trucks filling the bus lot as paramedics and police officers filed past. We were locked in our classroom, without cell phone service, trying to glean information from the news station on my MP3 player.We were eventually permitted to leave campus, and a teacher drove us home. I spent hours trying to call my family and girlfriend while watching the events on the news. Six years later, it's still impossible for me to make any sense of these events.
Alex Schubert: In grade school, we had to give a Valentine to everyone in the class. For some reason, in fourth grade, I suddenly realized it was weird to give valentines to people that I didn't like. I tried to get out of it, but my parents made me fill them all out. I remember giving a fat kid a valentine that said, "You're a ton of fun." It had a picture of a triceratops on it.
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Miriam Carothers: When asked to write about my worst Valentine's Day I was stoked to finally have a public forum to hate on one of my many atrocious ex-boyfriends, but then a little birdie reminded me that being mean is uncool. That and the fact that before getting sober 19 months ago, I don't remember shit about Valentine's Days from my blitzed past—maybe they were good? Crappy? I don't really know. Cheers to my self-esteem-preserving Swiss-cheese brain! I got nothin'. Hopefully everybody reading this has a rad Valentine's Day with lots of chocolate and sex and roses and stuff.
Nick Gazin: I got a call from a rock-'n'-roller who didn't like a review I'd mentioned him in, and he freaked out and said he was going to beat up me and my sister. I went to dinner with my girlfriend at the time, and my branzino tasted like mud. All I could think about was my sister getting beat up by some man.