Illustration by Sam Taylor
Ever since junior high I’ve been two things: a lesbian and addicted to hats. By high school my look had veered toward pervy degenerate, and the commingling of these three characteristics meant that only a simple black beanie was an acceptable method of controlling my banana curls.
Today it is my belief that wearing a hat for any other purpose than keeping one’s head warm—or hiding shameful hair—is the equivalent of teaching your body to suck shit up from your large intestine and blast it out the top of your skull like a poop water fountain from which everyone in range must drink. In other words, dumb hats are the manifestation of terrible personalities.
Focusing my hate, I tried to approach women on the street to ask them whether they were aware of the tragic mistakes that encircled their brains. This, however, didn’t work out so well because they were insipid buffoons who wouldn’t let me take their photos or agree to let me use their real names. So instead, I present to you a few examples of hats lesbians like to wear that, if donned, will instantly make you a total asshole, interspersed with some anonymous back-and-forth with the gay gals I spotted wearing ugly caps in the street.
THE LESBIAN BASEBALL CAP
I don’t care if you’re a bald dad, an alopecia-afflicted bull dyke, a frat guy, or a toddler—unless you’re sitting at a baseball game with a hot dog in your hand, you’re not allowed to wear a baseball hat. Even if you’re a professional baseball player, the minute you’re off the field you need to take that thing off your head and stuff it into some sweaty cubbyhole where no one can see it. Do you know the result of covering up a sweaty head with fabric? Dandruff flakes the size of your palm. And when lesbians pair one of these caps with something fun and flashy like an ill-fitting blazer or a polar fleece zip-up that’s three sizes too big, you know what they look like? Human dandruff. So when I spotted a piece of dried-up scalp skin blowing down the street, I just had to ask her a few questions.
VICE: Hey, slugger!
Lesbian: What? Do I know you?
No, but I bet you’ve got a really low ERA.
What are you talking about?
You know, baseball. The American dream. Are you on steroids?
Fuck you. [storms off across the street]
THE LESBIAN FEDORA
The list could really start and end right here because wearing a fedora is literally the most disgusting fashion choice I can think of, regardless of your sexual orientation or gender. I don’t care if it’s Halloween and you’re dressing up like Johnny Depp from that movie where he fucked a schizophrenic, or if you bumped your head on an armoire at IKEA while leaning down to pick up the chain wallet that slipped out of your pocket and all of a sudden thought you were living in the Gay 20s; this is the most severe type of hat crime. Don’t believe me? Check out this conversation I had with a real-life lesbian fedora wearer:
VICE: Hi, my name’s Kelly. Would it be OK if I took a picture of your hat for an article I’m writing for VICE?
Lesbian: Um, no, that would make me very uncomfortable because I’m uptight about my whole life and make random rules about what’s OK or not OK to do. Plus, I know that your magazine supports the patriarchy and doesn’t shop organic.
Can I at least ask you a few questions?
Yes, but make it quick. I’m late for my kombucha class.
OK. My first question is: Do you play the banjo?
I see. Might you be an extra in Boardwalk Empire, or some sort of movie/show about ragtime music or “newspapermen”?
I’m absolutely scandalized by these questions. You should be ashamed of yourself.
THE LESBIAN NONSENSE HAT
These are the type of hats you sometimes see lesbians wearing that are usually knit or fleece and are commonly used for skiing (which is completely acceptable). Typically, however, they are worn any ole place the wearer damn well chooses in an attempt to show people that she’s quirky and maybe has a sardonic sense of humor but still thoroughly enjoys life. Do you know what I’m talking about? Sometimes these hats look like its wearer slapped a dinosaur’s butt on her head, or they’re topped with a yarn Mohawk, or maybe they even suggest an Indian headdress of some sort. I spotted a lady wearing one of these the other day while walking down the street toward the dildo store, and I just had to ask her why her head looked like fucking Bart Simpson’s.
VICE: Hey, you! Are you a comedienne?
I said, are you a comedienne?
Because your hat makes you look like shit and it’s making me laugh.
[mumbles something under her breath while turning her back to me and walking away]