WORDS AND PHOTOS BY MILÈNE LARSSON
A while back, PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, made all the “weird news” columns in the US by suggesting that Ben & Jerry’s should use breast milk, like the kind your mum fed you from her mum tits, instead of cow milk. What crazy nuts! What a shocking idea! WRONG. It is a FACT that breast milk is healthier for you than cow milk.
In case you’re still dubious towards imbibing of le lait teton, we forced our friend Patrick to do a taste test: Breast-milk cupcakes vs. some regular old cow-milk cupcakes. He was hesitant, but we were like, “Suck it up, wimp!” And we went on, “Don’t you think it’s weird that humans are the only mammals who still drink milk as adults? And not even our own, but baby fluid for a whole other species? Did you ever think about the fact that we’ve mutated our own stomachs in order to be able to digest bovine baby fluid, Four-Eyes?”
And then Patrick went, “Let’s eat these cupcakes, by Christ!” After quietly chewing for a few minutes, he whispered, “I… I can’t tell any difference at all.” But we said, “No, you have to choose one.” So he held up the cupcake in his right hand and said, “This one is vaguely tastier.” And guess what, it was the boobcake! Breast milk officially wins!
And just in case you’re still dubious, we found and interviewed a BREAST-MILK EXPERT who confirmed what we already know: That we are smarter than you.
Vice: Hello nutritionist and breast milk specialist Elisabeth Kylberg. Can adults benefit from breast milk like babies do?
Elisabeth Kylberg: I think that adults shouldn’t drink milk at all, whether it’s human or cow milk. It’s food for babies. Cheese and yogurt, on the other hand, are good for us. Still, the longer women breast-feed, the smaller risk they run of getting breast and ovarian cancer. I wouldn’t be surprised if breast milk is one day used as a medicine—it’s been proved to kill cancer without even damaging the afflicted cells.
So what’s healthier for us to drink, cow or human milk?
Definitely human milk, but I don’t think there’s a market for it.
Is it possible to lactate without actually getting pregnant?
There have been several cases of women who’ve adopted babies and breast-fed them, or grandmothers who breast-fed the baby if the mother passed away. In most cases, they weren’t able to produce the same amount of milk as women who were pregnant, but if you stimulate the breast with a baby sucking on it, for example, it will eventually start producing milk. Even men can start producing milk after heavy breast stimulation, but their milk is not as nutritional.
So if we survived a plane crash and were left on a desert island, or in the Andes like in that movie Alive, we could actually survive on our own milk?
Ha ha, for a while maybe.