Help! I’ve Been Trolled!

By Ben Johnson

If you look at the internet long enough, you will eventually go insane. That’s what I’m realizing. I’m realizing this because I just read something I think is stupid.

I’m not going to link to it. I’m not going to write a thing that some more people think is stupid in response to a thing that I thought was stupid. As much as I am tempted.

My heart is blackened, full of rage, and it is pacing, staring out of my rib cage with vengeance-lit eyes like a newly captured tiger. I want blood. Because I read something stupid. Something has to be done. I read a stupid thing. This cannot stand. Two things: 1) I am not stupid. 2) This thing is stupid. The world must know both of these facts.

The author of the stupid thing I read must be destroyed. On Twitter and in comments sections. In the air and on the sea. I must end him. He will regret this day, the day he wrote something I think is stupid on the internet. I will tell the internet I think he is stupid. Then, people on the internet will tell me I am stupid, but those people will be wrong about me, because I’m not stupid, that other guy is stupid. I have to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

How much did this guy get paid to write this stupid thing I thought was stupid? $75? I could write something a lot less stupid for $75. Hell, that thing was so stupid, they should have paid him $75 NOT to write it. Or better yet: me. They should have paid me $75 for not writing that article. That would be the only way for me to feel better about this, would be if the website that published that stupid thing took the stupid thing down and sent me a check for $75 with a note that said, “This is for you, you deserve it for not being that IDIOT who WROTE THAT STUPID THING.”

You know? Maybe put up a banner ad on their website that says “WHO ARE WE TRYING TO FOOL HERE.” There used to be such a thing as JOURNALISM in this country on the internet, all the time, everywhere, no matter what even if you don’t like it.

Man, I hated it. I’m going to go back and check. Yep. It’s still stupid.

Fuck it, I’m leaving a comment. Sure, link it to my Facebook. I want my friends and family to know how stupid I think this thing is. Had to be done. It HAD to be DONE. You can’t just let idiots walk around writing things that are stupid. You have to hit them where they LIVE. You have to get inside of their brains and SHUT THEM DOWN. You wrote a stupid thing? NOT ON MY WATCH. No sir. Now… where was I? Oh yeah, baseball statistics.

Yeah. Miguel Cabrera. Yeah…

Hey, I wonder if my comment on how stupid that thing was got any likes. I bet it did because it’s so stupid, and I was so right to call it so stupid. I bet other people are going to agree with me about this. Hey, here’s an idea: I’m going to refresh that thing all day, just to check about if people liked my comment about how stupid it was. Put that on the list of things I will be doing today. Refreshing the link to the stupid thing in order to check to see if anybody likes the comment I left about how stupid it is. That’ll be a fun way to pass the time. For one day.

Man, has anybody else noticed that every time you refresh this link for the stupid thing, you get a new ad for Crisis 3? It’s annoying. Actually that’s a good video game. Fun video game. I’d buy it again if I didn’t already have it.

Google search best PS3 video games of all time. What? Skyrim is not number one? That’s stupid. I think that is a stupid thing. SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

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