Here's Why Our Magazine Is Not Safe for Prison
Apr 13 2013
Y'all may not know this, but every month we put out what we call a "magazine." It's a bunch of ink that is put on paper to make pictures and words, we print thousands of them... It's sort of like this website but a book, if you can picture that. Anyway, a copy of March's Cultural Atrocities issue got sent to a guy currently serving time in the Putnam Correctional Institution in East Palatka, Florida. The other day, we got it back, with a nice note from the folks in charge of the prison letting us know why it couldn't be delivered. Here it is:
In case you can't read that, here's the important bit:
Essentially, this prison really, really doesn't want its inmates to touch themselves. It is so worried about providing jack-off material that it bans depictions of nudity that make it look like something sexy is about to happen. If we ran a prison, we'd probably make sure all of our charges were too busy rubbing one out to commit acts of violence against each other, but then again, if the warden of Putnam Correctional Institution made a magazine, he'd probably have fewer photos of girls rubbing up on snakes in it. Or more photos, whatever. Along with the note was a series of photocopied pages so we'd know what specifically isn't OK for Florida prisons in the future. These are your tax dollars at work, guys.
Man, your tax dollars don't buy good photocopies, that's for fucking sure. This page is from a selection of behind-the-scenes photos from Spring Breakers. Basically, these two photos show actresses in bikinis pretending to drink, which, no doubt, some inmates would be masturbating to at this very moment if this contraband hadn't been intercepted.
Another photo from the same spread. Can't we photograph young women eating popsicles without it being taken as some kind of weird sex thing? SMH.
This, on the other hand, is a snake that is like, uhhhhh, on this lady's, uh, stuff. This should be banned.
Here, again, the prison is right to ban this photo. Even though there's no nudity in this shot, these are the ATL Twins we're talking about, so sexual conduct is probably imminent.
But this last one, which is our cover photos, baffles us. There is no sex stuff going on here at all! These guys are twins. They do not bang each other, and they are just enjoying a quiet evening at home. If the idea is that the stuff on their tongues is drugs and therefore scary and therefore forbidden, remember that this is a prison we were trying to send this magazine to. The guys in there have probably seen a lot worse.
You're (probably) not in prison, so enjoy some of our magazine stories from that issue:
Meet Ratchet Regi, the Ratchet Queen of the Gathering of the Juggalos
Missouri Is a Pill Lover's Paradise
Journalists and Attorneys Are Increasingly Adopting Spycraft
I Attended a Juggalo Wedding at the Gathering of the Juggalos
I Hunted Feral Hogs in Florida as a Favor to the World
My Week with Sydney
Reasons Why Comic-Con Is the Worst Place Ever
An Interview with a Guy Who Can't Sleep Because He Is Afraid of Dying
A Rigged Indian Casino Karaoke Contest Was the Low Point of My Life
The Jim Norton Show: Mike Tyson and Dana White - Part 2