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      Here Are Your Best Picture Nominees

      By Ryan Grim

      Managing Editor

      January 10, 2013

      Two old married people face the fact that even true love won't save them from death. I think they both die in the end; one from a blood clot, the other from loneliness. I didn't see this movie because I've seen it before. In REAL LIFE. My maternal grandma died before my grandpa. He was with her in the hospital, holding her hand and saying, "Oh, my little Libby. My sweet Libby." Jesus Christ, it was so miserable. I can't believe I'm writing this on the internet. Later on, when my grandpa was living in a home, he spent his days flirting with nurses and re-reading the first few pages of the same three James Patterson novels that were in his room. I guess Cher was right: There is life after love.

      Alan Arkin has a supporting role in Argo. He may seem like a decent guy, but I've heard he's a shithead in real life. Here's a true story: A long time ago, when my friend's uncle was a little kid, he walked up to Alan Arkin to say hi. The kid had a broken arm at the time and he asked Arkin to sign his cast. Arkin said, "Sorry kid, I don't sign casts." Dick move, Arkin! My friend's family has always hated Arkin because of this, and I'm pretty sure no one is allowed to watch M*A*S*H at their house.

      Oh wait. That story is about Alan Alda, not Alan Arkin. Alan Alda is a dick, Alan Arkin is cool with me, and Argo looks OK.

      Beasts of the Southern Wild
      I forgot this movie came out this year. What a long, miserable year it was. Everyone I know seems to be beaten down—by jobs, relationships, the city. Once youthful spirits, we are now crawling into the grey husk of old age. Maybe we should visit the real-life equivalent of the Bathtub, wherever that is, get drunk with swamp people, and make stuff with our hands. That would save us.

      And THAT is exactly the sort of bullshit attitude this movie preys on. Cities are so much better than swamps, and actual swamp people are not nice. If you're looking to get away, and you live in New York, take the A train to the Aqueduct Race Track and Resorts World Casino and frolic with the aurochs (the old drunks) and packs of Chinese people. It's a great time!

      This movie reminded me of The Rescuers. Do you remember Evinrude, the dragonfly in The Rescuers who motors around the swamp using his wings as a propeller? Did anyone else want to be Evinrude? I definitely did.

      Zero Dark Thirty
      I didn't see this one and don't have much to say about it.

      I didn't see this one and don't have much to say about it.

      Django Unchained
      Quentin Tarantino said that while filming this movie there was a bizarre dynamic between the actresses who played the cotton-picking slaves and the ones who played the call girl slaves. The call girl actresses were traditionally attractive, just like they were in real life, while the field slave actresses were plain. On set, the call girls looked down upon the cotton pickers and the cotton pickers were naturally upset about this. Thing is, they were all extras without lines getting paid the same rate. People divide themselves for no reason, maaaan. It's like a Dr. Seuss story—only with men being hanged and ripped apart by dogs in the background.

      Also: hearing nigger x ∞ was weird.

      Silver Linings Playbook
      I didn't see this one and don't have much to say about it.

      Les Misérables
      I don't care what anyone says, Anne Hathaway singing "I Dreamed a Dream" is worth the price of admission. Try to think of a better prostitute in a movie. Julia Roberts? Jodie Foster? Elisabeth Shue? No thank you to all three of those skanks.

      Anne Hathaway... even the spittle that stretches between her lips when she opens her mouth to sing, "I dreamed that love would never die / I dreamed that God would be forgiving" is lovely. I would take that spittle out for ice cream and marry it.

      Is Les Mis a good movie? Who knows. During the first half, a woman in the row behind me was softly crying. During the second half, I heard her snoring.

      Life of Pi
      A girl who dated my friend in high school read Life of Pi and wouldn't stop talking about how good it was. The week after they broke up, I had a party at my house and a few guys got with her at the same time in my parents' bed. She felt terrible and told my friend, who was pretty mad at us. Thing is, we were all in the same band, and the band needed to stay together, so he got over it and wrote a few songs about women being shitty. After that, the girl lost a few friends and didn't go out much. She starting sucking at school and never tried to get a real boyfriend. We didn't realize it at the time, but she was most likely depressed. Judging from Facebook, she's married now and seems to be doing well. There's no way she didn't see Life of Pi, and there's a chance it reminded her of having regrettable group sex when she was a teenager.

      This is the worst movie on the list, right?


      Topics: movies, Anne Hathaway, oscars, Zero Dark Thirty, film, prostitutes


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