Hey Internet, Do These Boys Want Me or Not?
Oct 24 2012
Lots of girls (not all of them, just the ones like me, the ones with hair and tits and smartphones) are really fucking weird. We spend a scary amount of time deciphering texts from losers with potentially cute dicks and then fretting endlessly when they simply match the number of kisses we put at the end, because we can't analyze those figures for information. Why are boys so strange? It's almost like they aren't trying to use an unspoken language to send me secret messages that would be far easier to tell me to my face with real human words.
Any lovefule kno that texting is an emotional rollercoaster. So it's a blessing for all the teenage girls who aren't as good at texting as me and only send, on average, a paltry 220 texts a week that the gods of the internet have given them HeTexted.com. It's a website that helps you figure out if a boy's into you by analyzing his text messages. You simply screenshot the convo in question, add a little background info (like how many of his friends you’ve already slept with), upload it, and wait for lonely tweens the world over to put their wisdom to good use and decide whether "HE'S INTO YOU," "HE'S NOT INTO YOU," or if the "VERDICT IS STILL OUT."
Cool. Let's look at some examples.
See how useful this is? Rather than having to ask your whiney best friend, 285 strangers are on-hand to help you understand why, when a guy pretends his phone's been cut off to avoid talking to you, it's probably time to start wandering the halls of your school winking at people until someone falls in love with you.
Now this is the kind of text I find myself sending all the time, you guys! While his messages may be written in the terse, disinterested and non-descript style of a sociopath, at no point does he say "fuck off and leave me alone forever," so it's already going better than the last guy I was seeing, who was a sociopath who I managed to bully into feeling an emotion about me.
While the girl who submitted this says she's considering moving 33 miles to be closer to her guy, 760 cynics have cast their votes and they all think "HE'S NOT INTO YOU."
I totally disagree. He's probably just freaking out and playing it way cool, so I left my two cents in the comments box below.
Hold your horses, I smell a troll (this advice is important: trolls hate horses). There's no way this can be real—first of all the top text is insane, and the following text after he's just "become a daddy" is equally unbelievable. Also, I've never heard anyone who isn't British call women "birds," and after a whole two minutes of googling, I can't find a single nightclub in Britain called "Sugar Rays."
I got nervous at this point that HeTexted.com was scamming me for every advertising buck they could get their lying hands on, so I decided to submit a couple of texts from my own inbox to see what happened.
Obviously there were 229 people on HeTexted.com that day who don't know what a finger up the ass can do for a man's sense of loyalty. What do you mean he’s not into me?! He's just legit too busy, which is why I’ve seen him and his dick multiple times since these texts. IN YOUR FACE, INTERNET.
Whoever voted this guy as not being into me, fuck you. Are you blind? Maybe you read this and (in your own, pathetic mind) declared chivalry to be dead, but my idea of romance is a pretty guy jerking off on my face, and who are you to judge me? Maybe he's not the type of guy to buy you tulips, but I've never been into flowers anyway. They're good for nothing—pollen hurts vaginas, I already tried.
For my final text, I sent in a real head-scratcher, an indecipherable sign of potential interest, disgust, friendliness, or—oh, I don't know—love. This was the final test. But how would the internet respond?
So there you go, apparently a wink face means he's into me. Looks like I just solved a problem on behalf of the entire human race. Don't worry about thanking me or anything.
Follow Chloe on Twitter: @chloecrossx
Previously: I Took Female Viagra for a Week
Bad Cop Blotter: Why Did a Black Man Get Gunned Down in Walmart for Carrying an Unloaded Air Rifle?
Tana Toraja Villagers Take Tomb Sweeping to a Morbid Extreme
Kids in Hong Kong Took to the Streets to Demand More Democracy
The Man Who Turned Cannonball Dives into a Sport
Is It OK to Be Happy That My Grandma Died?
Insane Clown Posse's Violent J on the Art of Songwriting
A Glossy Zine for the Black, Gay, and Talented
Raqqa Is Being Slaughtered Silently, And These Guys Are Risking Their Lives to Document It
Eric Holder Resigned After Six Years of Pissing People Off
The Life and Times of a Theme Park Jesus