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      Hey Ron! - I Buy My Own Jolly Ranchers

      November 3, 2011

      By Ron Hemphill

      Your Life Advisor

      From the column 'Hey Ron!'

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      I was at BJ’s the other day picking up Jolly Ranchers. I usually keep them in my desk, that way people in the office can come by and have some. I was standing in line with two bags full when I noticed that BJ’s accepts EBT cards. For those of you who don’t know, EBT cards are like electronic food stamps. Instead of looking like stupid brown, green, and purple money, they look like credit cards.

      The EBT line was really long. All those welfare people were food shopping and candy shopping and clothes shopping. They were pulling like six shopping carts full of stuff. The little kids were pulling a cart a piece. So this is where my money goes? Every time some lady has more kids, they reach into my pocket. The system is screwed up.

      So I got angry and took my two bags of Jolly Ranchers and threw them on the floor. I’m not waiting in a line for two hours just to buy two bags of Jolly Ranchers while they’ve got 20 people in line getting free money and free stuff on my time and tax dollars.

      I didn’t really notice it before, but now I’m seeing more and more people going through the aisles and grabbing gigantic handfuls of stuff and throwing it in their cart. Why? Because they’ve got like 800 dollars on their card!

      Whoever’s in charge of handing out that money needs to tell these women to find a real man, not a baby daddy, and to get off public assistance. Get a job, because you’re killing me. They’re not even getting the regular stuff. They’re buying high-end stuff—the name brands and gluten-free stuff. And here I am, on a budget.

      Instead of finding a regular woman, I’m going to find one with an EBT card and live off her because she eats for free. She’ll probably live in the projects, so I wont even have to pay gas and electric. I’ll just knock on her door. As a taxpayer I should be able to go to her house and say, “I’m hungry. I know you got food. Let’s eat.” I could be one of those guys in the projects driving a Ferrari, because everybody in the projects drives nice cars.

      Previously - My Dad Boned Some Lady

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