I am about to graduate from college and all my friends keep talking about boozing super hard as soon as we get across that stage with our diplomas. The problem is that every time I drink I end up completely blacking out and doing something stupid. In the morning I wake up with no idea where my purse or my panties went. I really want to join in on the festivities, but I am afraid I'll go overboard like always and embarrass myself on one of the last nights that I'll be able to share with my friends. Can you give me some tips on how to drink so that I don't end up pregnant or dead after graduation?
The Lady of Rage
Too much drinking can lead you down a road of ruin. I know from first-hand experience. There were many nights when I wondered how I got home without getting arrested or killing someone. One time I literally parked on top of a fire hydrant. The funny thing was that the truck I parked wasn't even mine. It was my friend's. When I woke up the next day at three in the afternoon, I didn't even remember driving. I looked outside and was like, "Why the hell is my boy's car parked on top of that fire hydrant? Where is he?" Then I checked my pockets and I had his keys! In those days I would try to get from the Meat Packing District in Manhattan to the Bronx in under 20 minutes, and that's totally impossible. I acted like I was the Speed Racer. I'd be going 90 miles per hour the whole way, blasting DMX. The next morning I would realize that I definitely shouldn't have survived.
I'm not trying to glorify this behavior. It was stupid and innocent people get killed because of that kind of recklessness every day. I'm telling it to you so you understand how dumb drinking can be when you take it too far. As an adult, I will never take risks like that again. I was lucky, but you might not be. Just because you get away with it one day doesn't mean it won't catch up with you the next. Everybody's luck runs out sometime.
Overindulging is also a bad idea because hangovers are the worst things imaginable. Who hasn't made love to the porcelain god while screaming "I'll never drink again!"? I remember one time I got drunk-sick at a bowling alley. That was horrible, because literally thousands of people use those toilets. Here I am holding on to a filthy John, hugging and kissing it like it was my next girlfriend. I was a wreck. I couldn't even walk.
When I finally realized I needed to give up the vomiting in stinky urinals and parking on top of fire hydrants, I followed a set of rules that I'm going to outline below. I think if you heed my advice you'll find you can enjoy a couple of drinks while managing to keep your purse and panties the whole night. Unless you really, really want to lose your panties, in which case I'd say as long as he's a good-looking, nice, Will Smith-type character, go for it. You just graduated, you earned it.
Watch Your Drink
Be careful where you go and who you go out with, and always monitor your drinks. Never leave your drink unattended—it only takes a second for a sleezeball to put something in it. Your girls might say they are watching your drink, but don't trust them. They're too busy looking at boys. And besides, they might try to mess with you and slip something in your drink too, just like a dude. If you get passed a Mickey, the next guy who walks up to you could be your baby's daddy. That's scary, so be smart.
After every two drinks, drink a glass of water. If you are sitting down, you might not realize how drunk you are because your equillibiruim is all off. the second you stand up, it'll hit you. Water will help offset that. Also, water is your savior from nasty hangovers. Those sweet fruity drinks are a killer on the day after.
You've got the rest of your life to drink. You don't have to get it all in tonight. The fun part is waking up and talking to your friends about what a great time you had. It's lame if you can't remember. And you don't want YouTube to be your reminder. Nowadays if you do something stupid, it is probably captured on the internet. Chill out and enjoy that drink the smart way before a video of you pooping in the woods goes viral.
Don't Drink and Drive
Did you read the beginning of this column? This is one of the stupidest things you could ever do. Period. Take the train, call a car service, or hit your mom up. But please leave your car where it is and pay that parking ticket in the morning. It's just not worth it.
People love shots. But if you are trying to keep your wits about you, they are bad news. Stick with beers and mild drinks, or be a boss and sip your spirits straight. But shots go down too fast. They can cause you to get ahead of yourself and, before you know it, you're naked on a barstool shaking what your mama gave you.
So there you go. Those are my rules. I hope it helps you, Lady of Rage, in your post-grad celebrations.
Previously - Should I Move in with My Deadbeat Boyfriend?
Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Even your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and anti-social thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions to HeyRon@VICE.com or tweet them to @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets their question answered will receive their very own Hey Ron! t-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.