Hey Ron!

Hey Ron! - Intern Emancipation

By Ron Hemphill

19 We just got our new batch of summer interns here at the VICE offices. It's always nice to have extra help, but interns aren't what they used to be. When I was younger I worked at a company that had interns who would get us coffee, do our cleaning… hell, they would buy our wives their Christmas gifts. Now interns seem to have this bill of rights outlining what they can and can’t do. I thought the word “intern” meant they had to do whatever you told them. What happened to the good old days of unchecked exploitation? Having interns is no fun if you can’t make them do whatever you want.A lot of companies hire interns instead of paid employees with no intention of ever giving the interns a real job. They will hire maybe 00.1 percent of their interns. One good thing about the company I work for now is that they end up hiring a LOT of their interns, which is great. So the way I see it, interns here have a good chance of eventually being hired, so they should have to earn their stripes. They should have to run to the liquor store on Liquor Fridays. They do pick up pizzas for us, but they get to eat the pizza too, so it’s not like we get a feeling of superiority out of that. Even though we can’t make them get our coffee, our interns do some crazy things. I remember one intern who froze his sperm so he could eat it like a popsicle. In my opinion, that’s over the limit. You can’t have any self-respect for yourself after doing a thing like that. I heard Mick Jagger drank some sperm during a concert and threw up, but that’s Mick Jagger. He’s a nut who probably has several little boy interns. The qualities I look for in an intern are height, eyes, and breast size. Just kidding, I look for a person who can think on their own and doesn’t need a lot of supervision. I’m not here to babysit an intern, I’m here to give them an opportunity to learn something. I want them to take initiative. If they see something that needs to be done, they should just take care of it. I don’t ask for a lot. RON HEMPHILL

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