Hey Ron! - My Dad Is Holding Me Back, Not the Handcuffs
Apr 28 2009
Last week we introduced Ron, our ursine and stately accounts receivable manager, and his refreshingly human tactics when dealing with botherations. We asked you, reader, to submit your queries for our new advice columnist (which you can still do if you know how to find and then follow instructions), and though it was slightly entertaining and heartbreaking to hear how many of you are owed money by often former, always lunatic roommates and/or subletters, this week we decided to showcase Ron’s acumen with a whole different batch of hot water.
I Just turned 18 and my dad walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. That was bad enough, but I was also in handcuffs. My dad is still flipping out on me (he thought I was a virgin, yeah right) and is saying he won’t pay for school now and keeps saying weird stuff about wanting to kill my boyfriend. He is also threatening to kick me out of the house if he catches us together again. What do I do?
You need to talk to your dad and say, “Hey listen. You can pay for college and I can become a productive citizen, or I can sit inside your house seven days a week and that’s how I’ll make my money. Now daddy, you love me, you can pay for school or I’m going to have tricks in your house. That is your choice. What do you think I should do?”
As for kicking you out of the house, what dad wants to do that? Maybe you should sleep with your dad--you’ve definitely got room and board that way. He ain’t gonna let that piece go. Kings and queens and rich people have been doing it for a long time; it’s how they keep the money in the family. It’s called inbreeding. Don’t act like you don’t know.
As for continuing to see your boyfriend, it’s funny, I’m having that same problem now. My daughter’s boyfriend has seen me. He don’t want no trouble from me. He wants to be an engineer, is an A student, about to go to an Ivy League school, but he’s 17 and he wants to have sex. I understand that. But he needs to understand that not only can I break his ribs, I can break his daddy’s ribs. Somebody has to hurt besides myself. I’m an equal opportunist: I will hurt anyone who hurts me. And if I can’t get to you, your daddy gets it. Somebody’s catching it. What did that one guy say? “Revenge is best served cold and I’m taking mine out of the freezer.”
(Submit questions by clicking here, and put “Hey Ron!” somewhere in the subject line.)
Things You Learn Designing Porn Banners for a Living
I Went to a Raëlian Cult Protest for Titties
Stress Makes Me Horny
Superstitious People Are Dismembering Albinos in Tanzania
Voss Water Is Bullshit
Bad Cop Blotter: The Police Aren't So Brave When Someone Has a Weapon
It's a Godlis World: Early Photos of Punk Rock After Dark
VICE News: Water War: Dry in Detroit
Tim and Eric Tell Us About Their Greatest Fears
We Asked a War Correspondent About the Origins of ISIS