Hey Ron! - My Man's Got a Weird Dong

Ahh, dicks. Everybody loves ’em. Except when their shape impedes the lovemaking process. And, wouldn’t you know it, our first Hey Ron! of 2011 tackles this very issue—a young woman who loves her man but just can’t seem to wrap her head (or vagina) around her boyfriend’s odd-shaped member.Hey Ron! I write to you with a very tricky dilemma. I've been dating this guy for almost a year now, and he's the best person I've ever been with. He treats me wonderfully, gives me lots of affection, and understands what it means to be a good boyfriend. But there's a problem when it comes to sex. He's got a really weird dick and it kind of hurts me when we do it. His penis is skinny toward the head and really fat near the base, kind of like a bowling pin. He's never acknowledged it, and neither have I but it's obvious when we have sex that it's uncomfortable. There's one position where it feels OK but it's really awkward and not ideal. Don’t get me wrong, he's great at foreplay and all the other stuff but I'm not sure we have a future together if there’s no way to solve this problem. I feel guilty because I think I should've brought this up a long time ago instead of letting it get to this point. Am I being a shallow bitch? Should I suggest surgery? Thanks, Rebecca Dear Rebecca, You should have told him from the beginning. Maybe not the first time you did it, but at some point early on you should’ve had a conversation about positions and brought it up that way. I find it pretty funny that it’s shaped like a bowling pin. I’ve never… I’m trying to imagine something like that and it’s pretty weird. Maybe you take Pilates or do some stretching. Maybe you’re just baby-tight and your depth is not that deep. Is he two inches and fat or six inches and fat and as it goes in it gets fatter? If he’s really the size of a bowling pin I guess you better find a position where he can only get in halfway. If you were a sister (I’m assuming you’re not), I’d say only go through the back ’cause most girls of the minority persuasion have big butts and so you can only get so much in. But I don’t think this is the case with you. This is a hard one! I don’t think you should break up with him if everything is good. I also don’t think surgery is going to help unless they're going to make the whole thing one big size. If you do that right you’ll be in the mandingo area, and you're not ready for that. Like I said, I suggest you talk to him and work out positions where it can be comfortable for you. I also don’t think you’re being shallow. You're being honest. It hurts. Pain is pain. You have to realize he's stretching you out. Look on the bright side: In nine months, if something happens, it’ll fall right out because you’ve already got the width. The circumference of your circle is going to be really big if you keep at it. At least he’s not shaped like a bowling ball, LOL! In closing, I’d like to suggest that you take pictures and put them on YouTube so we all can see. I'm sure there’d be a lot of people amazed to see something as unique as that. Then you can be the cover of Time or something by being the only girl with a man with a penis shaped like that. Love, RonTo have your problem solved by Ron, send an email to [vice@viceland.com](mailto: vice@viceland.com).