Hey Ron! - Don't Turd on Me
Jan 4 2012
At VICE we have a lot of butts and limited bathrooms. Some bathrooms are tucked away so people can do their business in private, but others are smack dab in the middle of people's workspace. I am one of the few unlucky souls who sits right next to one of these Johns, and people treat it like it's an outhouse instead of a bathroom next to my desk.
When you have to drop a load you should use the bathroom that has the least amount of people around it. When people shit in my area it creates an odor that can't be cleansed by any air freshener. The spray only intensifies it—makes it smell like someone took a shit on a pine tree. The smell floats through the door because it is a flimsy piece of junk. So now you have the smell, the spray, and, to top it off, there is usually no courtesy flush!
Courtesy flushes are very important. People seem to forget that sometimes. You should flush early so it doesn't sit in the bowl and float around until you smell it. If you can smell it, you've waited too damn long. Back here by the bathroom we know if you do a courtesy flush. And we know if you don't wash your hands, because we can hear the water. Everybody who is around me knows who doesn't wash their hands at VICE. Those are the people whose hands we don't shake.
We've actually banished some people from the bathroom because they stunk it up so bad that we had to start lighting candles. These people have strange diets. We could actually smell what they ate after they took a shit. People don't have any shame until you call them out and say, "Dude, can't you flush? Do that upstairs. What makes this your sanctuary? Don't drop your funky load here."
Use common sense in the kitchen before you start your work day. Don't eat pulled pork for breakfast, for example. And everybody knows coffee is just a laxative that happens to keep you awake. If you have a coffee at 11 AM and then you have lunch, you are definitely going to blow the bathroom up.
Bathroom rules are things you should have been raised with. Stop acting like you were raised by wolves and bears. You don't take a crap in the street and eat it. Clean up after yourself. If you don't want to wipe your butt call your girl and have her do it, but at least wash your damn hands! And whatever you do, remember, no shitting in the bathroom next to my desk.
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