I don't understand why my mother is tripping. She caught me and my boo making sweet sweet love on the sofa in the TV room the other night and she hasn't talked to me since. I'm grounded indefinitely. She won't even let my boo come over anymore. It sucks. Why is she cock-blocking? Why can't a girl just get her freak on?
I’ve been caught having sex before, too. I was sleeping with this West Indian girl back in the day and her old lady caught us knocking boots on three different occasions. We used to do it in her house and each time her mom caught us she would knock on the door and say really softly to my chick, “Can you come here for a minute?” When it all went down for the first time, I freaked out. I told the girl “I’m never coming back to your house, your momma’s gonna bomb me!” But her mom was actually cool with it, which bugged me out even more. Like, how was she OK with her house smelling like sweaty genitals? I guess she just didn’t want us doing it when she was home.
I’m sure my daughter has probably gotten down in my house, because I used to do it in my parents crib. But she has never been caught by me, and that’s a testament to what a good daughter she is. I realize, after having gone around the block a few times and having had my fair share of thrills, you can’t stop kids from getting loose. Horny teenagers will always find a way to swap fluids. All you can do is teach them about protection and hope that they aren’t hard-headed, because a hard head makes a STD-riddled behind.
So, to focus on your question, should your mother be mad at you for bumping uglies in the living room? Most definitely! You need to be more careful and show some respect. You can’t be lying up in your momma’s house like it’s the grotto at the Playboy Mansion. It’s a rite of passage to play a game of denial and secrecy with your folks. Be slick. Check her work schedule. Call her while she’s on the job so you can get an idea of when she will be coming home. And if you are older than 20, be an adult and go to the hotel. There is no reason you should be humping on the floor under the coffee table in the TV room of your momma's house when people the same age as you are dieing in Iraq. And if you’re younger than 20, think about slowing down a bit. People rush into sex too quick these days and make mistakes like getting pregnant or allowing themselves to be used. You’ll know when its right the time, so don’t let some creep push you into making a bad decision like giving him some booty when your mother is on her way home from the grocery store. For all that your mother does for you, like put a roof over your head and feed you, the very least you could do is keep your legs closed when she is in the house.
Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Even your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and antisocial thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions to HeyRon@vice.com or tweet them to @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets their question answered will receive their very own Hey Ron! t-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.
Previously - Should I Sell My Piss and Dirty Panties?