It's Time for a Hipster Joke Moratorium

So someone just showed me this video on YouTube, and as you can probably tell from the title, it's basically one, big parody of the global hipster scene, full of jokes about bikes with no brakes, moustaches, and bands with obscure names. And just before I was about to reply with, "Hah, yeah, I think I saw this in 2008, dude," I checked its publish date: June 10th, 2012.

Which means that, amazingly, this vein of humor is still a going concern, which is funny because I thought it stopped being a relevant cultural observation around the same time making jokes about rappers' pants falling down did. But no, there are still people out there, toiling day and night, to tell the world gags it's already heard a zillion times before.

So, I hereby propose a Hipster Joke Moratorium, in which the following "zingers" should be incinerated.

"Ironic" Facial Hair

If there's one thing hipster haters find hysterical, it's the concept of young people cultivating facial hair, of any kind. Under 25, live in a major city and fancy trying out a 'tache for a while? You must be a hollow, human-shaped mollusk living your life under a heavy veil of irony, my friend. All those headmasters, Soviet politicians, and RAF pilots with moustaches? They were all bloody hipsters! Andy Murray? Hipster. Josef Fritzl? Hipster. Craig David? King of the hipsters. I don't think it's even possible to have "ironic" facial hair, is it? It's just a natural bodily process. No one's ever had ironic BO. Or an ironic orgasm.

Funny Band Names

All band names are funny, idiots. Even the most uncool, mega-selling acts like The Beatles and the Bee Gees have stupid names, it's just that no one realizes because those acts are so culturally ubiquitous that they primarily exist to the masses on a subconscious level, like Scrubs or spaghetti. And "Dynamite Fuckstick" doesn't sound anything like the name of a hipster band, anyway. They tend to have concise, conceptual names, like HEALTH or Girls. "Dynamite Fuckstick" sounds more like a Primus side-project.

Vegan Food

As anybody whose girlfriend uploads Instagram photos of trendy restaurant food knows, the favored cuisine of the hipster right now is not organic vegan food (as this video seems to believe), but expensive versions of classic American junk food. Go to Meat Liquor or Lucky Chip and you won't be able to see your burger for iPhone flashes. The vegetarian fad, on the other hand, died out around the same time Moby hit the big time. If being a vegan makes you a hipster in 2012, then Woody Harrelson must be the new A$AP Rocky.

Facebook

Hey guys, I don't know if you've gotten around to looking at it yet, with all the hard work you're doing on your YouTube channel, but apparently there's this little website called Twitter that's doing quite well these days. I just got one actually, it's not bad. Take a look, there's a link at the bottom of the page, "follow" me if you like. But seriously? Facebook? Is that your idea of something that hipsters do? If that's the case, then pretty much my entire family, everyone from my suburban comprehensive school, and a billion other people are Animal Collective fans as well. Funny, their record sales don't reflect that.

These Clothes

The video's misguided idea of what's hip and what's not is encapsulated in what they've dressed this character in. He's supposed to be a cynical indie purist-type, who makes fun of The Barenaked Ladies (the blasphemer!), so why have they dressed him like a Spanish tourist at Fabric? A waistcoat and neckerchief is kind of a 2005 (well any year, really) Doherty combo, which is a mistake I guess I can just about understand. But the friendship bracelets, shorts and leather wristband? Not only is that not a hip outfit to wear in Williamsburg, it's not even a hip outfit to wear at a Tiesto concert in Dubrovnik.

Fixies

Actually yeah, make fun of these pricks all you want. They really do exist.

Follow Clive on Twitter: @thugclive