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      Hole in the Wall

      December 31, 2010
      From the column 'Skinema'

      Dir: Belladonna
      Rating: 10

      I hate zany fonts. Those fonts that are CRAZY pictures of people puking or having sex while forming a letter are the worst, especially when people try to use them at 10 or 12 point; you can't even make out what they are. They look like tattoos from the 50s, just big blobs of bullshit. "What's that on your arm, Grandpa?" the young girl asks. "That's a panther hanging on to a Heinkel He 219 Nazi bomber," he says with pride, knowing the panther represents him from that dream where he had superpowers. "Looks like a cancer spot," she responds.

      Sadly this porno uses one of those shite fonts on its box cover. I can't really make out what the fudge it is; might be broken bones that spell out the words Hole in the Wall. Might be zits. All I know is it took me about a week to get past the crappy font and actually watch it. I left it on my desk while I typed for days, hoping that at some point I'd get over it and allow myself to see the glory-hole fuck film. But I couldn't. I know Belladonna. I know her husband. They're classy people (double-anal scenes notwithstanding) and they're better than this font. So I blamed someone else. I blamed the one person who is responsible for everything bad that has happened in the past 20 months, the person who made my taxes go up and made my cell phone fall in the toilet and gave my kid an ear infection: I blamed the economy.

      Eventually I just removed the box cover, ripped it up, and threw it away. But then the disc inside had the same shitty font. So I spray-painted it. Once it dried I was finally able to view a bevy of sultry ladies get banged in a filthy faux bathroom by a wang that popped through any one of four holes.

      Aside from a classy cover font, this video is missing two key elements that make all Belladonna videos great: butt sex and Belladonna. But the fact that no dude's face had to be seen the entire movie was a welcome change.

      My favorite part of the whole film was the Three Stooges element of the sex—when the stunt cock would remove his pecker from the hole (and thus the pussy or mouth) he was using and move quickly to the next hole or a hole five feet away, causing the girl to either quickly adjust or run over and reposition by the far hole. It made me laugh often as I tried to guess which hole the dick would pop out of, and it made me wonder, "Why didn't they name this Pop Goes the Weiner?" (I searched IAFD.com and it's a title that, surprisingly, has not been used.) I also wondered how sexy a plunger in a pussy makes one feel. Then I tried to remember the name of that guy that the cops in Brooklyn fucked in the ass with a plunger but I couldn't. I couldn't even remember the name of that island that had a hurricane or earthquake or whatever last year that everyone was so bummed out about. I did remember that Katrina happened in New Orleans because I love gumbo. Katrina... that sucked, huh?

      More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com


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