Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Do They Fancy Me?

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I have incredible trouble being able to tell if girls fancy me or not. There is the very occasional girl who just puts her foot in it but even then I'm not totally sure till I pash them. Could you give me some tips on what to look for?

XOXO
H-bomb

Hot Dog Chokes One Out For You

H-bomb, first things first: Let’s translate your question into American so we can understand what you mean. “Pash” is Australian slang for making out, and “puts her foot in” refers to an Australian tradition involving a flirtatious insertion of a toe into a lover’s asshole. Good thing I dated an Australian for two years, so I knew that! By the way, if anyone is thinking about dating an Australian, you should! They’re exciting and fun. I dated an Australian Carney, which is a little bit like dating a vegan, only instead of vegetables, they eat cocaine and alcohol. But to be fair, that was all there was in the house. And I was responsible for the shopping. Anyway, here are some tips on how to tell if a lady Fancy-Fancies you or just Fancy-Feasts you. (For all you Steve Irwins, that’s an American cat food joke that makes no sense. In fact it might not even qualify as a joke.):  ·  Science says that a woman’s groin temperature rises slightly when she’s around someone she’s attracted to. Try this next time you see her: Cup her privates with your hand and ask, “Is this ‘normal hot’ for your pussy? Or ‘extra hot’?”

·  They say a woman will be at a loss for words around someone she really likes. Count how many times she says, “Um” around you. It’s a great way to find out how she feels or to understand what it’s like to be autistic!

·  They say a lady becomes enthralled with her beloved’s scent. Why not fart near her and see if she salivates!

Eventually, face-to-face communication will be required to figure out what she’s feeling. Here are some ways to roll the dice and still feel nice:

·  Be direct: “You know what I love? Reuben sandwiches and video poker. What do you love? Besides crying and me!?!?!”

·  Drop a hint! “Hey you know what would be awesome? If there was a smorgasbord here but instead of lots of different things to eat, there were a bunch of kittens and balloons for you. Also, we should fuck.”

·  Women like a man with a little mystery! Drop a few “mysterious” words in your own made-up language: “Wow, somebody looks like a real horsetruff today. Wanna muck?”

Lady Bun Bats Her Lashes

We’ve all experienced that thing where we’re not sure if a guy really likes us or is just trying to sell us bottled water on the highway. Sometimes it’s so hard to differentiate between flirting and commerce! But hey, that’s what makes capitalism the horniest of all types of governments and that’s why we’re all fucked. But back to dating: Gauging signals is especially hard for women because society tells men to approach us with caution, as if we were a urinal or a nervous dog. In short, men are scared of us. This is why we have to make it easy for them to express their feelings. But don’t push it! Let him come to (and on) you.

·  See if he’ll compliment you by offering him an “in.” Try asking something like, “Do these tits make me look fat?”

·  Let him know you’re sexually attracted to him by constantly greeting him on your back or approaching him crotch first. This is the successful method used by many cats and women with absentee fathers. If he mounts you, there’s your answer!

·  Keep dropping your purse and losing all your belongings. If he’s into you, he’ll always come to your rescue. If he’s not, you will be robbed almost daily.

But what if the hints aren’t working and you still don’t know how he feels about you? This is when you have to do a little “DICKtective” work and ask the right questions:

·  “Hey do you like Coldplay? What about a cold lay?"

·  “Is it true that guys like dating women who remind them of their moms? PS: Besides pilates, nagging and guilt trips are my favorite hobbies.”

·  “If you like the way I smell, then you’re gonna love falafels.”

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
Follow us! @kurtbraunohler and @albz

Previously - First-Time Sex