Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Imaginary Relationships

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Bun and Hotdog,
Hi my name is Chad and right now I live Brooklyn, NY. I think I like this girl who is incredibly smart, beautiful, kind, driven, talented, sincere, and kinda humble. I'm a deranged loner, 5'11”. I've never met her but I found some pictures online. Should I pursue this? What are some good emails? I'm lovin' her!

Thanks,
Chad 
Brooklyn, New York

Chad,
Great to hear you’re in Brooklyn; even better to hear that you’re in love with a stranger. We like to call projecting your feelings onto a person you’ve never met “The Honeymoon Phase,” because this is as perfect as it will ever get. In your mind, this person has all the qualities of a perfect mate: something we all know does not exist, like God or Tingrame (that’s not even a real word!) But don’t let that stop you from committing to this 100 percent! We recommend you make this honeymoon phase last forever, that way you’ll never be disappointed. Remember, if someone doesn’t notice you, they can’t break up with you! That’s why Kurt has never been dumped—he’s been hiding from eight girlfriends for over 20 years! Here are some tips on how to take your Honeymoon Phase and turn it into a permanent Honeymoon Phase Vacation (HPV for short).

Hot Dog Shoves It In You

Chad, the main thing to remember right now is that everything you’re feeling is normal. We all find a picture of a girl online, create an imaginary personality for her, and then tap her phone. It’s all part of this crazy thing we call love! So don’t feel weird. Here are some tips on how to go from watching her from afar to tailing her car:

·  They say going through a person’s trash is an intimate experience. “Garbage fuck” your crush at least once a week to learn about what she buys, then create a romantic narrative about those items that makes her seem even more perfect!

·  Secrets are romantic! Have a date with her that only you know about by printing out a picture of her and placing it in the seat across from you! Use bits of her cell phone conversations that you’ve recorded to prompt great dinnertime chats!

·  Craving some real-world interaction? Get yourself an electrician’s costume and show up every few months to “check her meter.” Take photos of her basement so you can Photoshop in the wine cellar you would build her if you two lived together!

Now that you’re really working this imaginary relationship, the inevitable might happen: She might notice you and talk to you. But have no fear! Here’s some easy ways to preserve your perfect idea of her by never really interacting:

·  At brunch: “Who, me? No, I’m not staring at you. It might look like I’m staring at you because I have two lazy eyes. Sorry, I gotta go, I left my shoes on the radiator at home.” Run out of the restaurant.

·  Outside: “Miss, I think you dropped this. Oh, you didn’t? Well it looks like a pretty nice watch that would go well with your eyes, so maybe you should keep it. No? Maybe you should. Just take it and put it next to your bed so I know it’s there. I’m sorry, I’ve gotta go, I think my shoes are leaking.” Run away.

·  At the grocery store: “Pro-biotic yogurt. That’s stuff’s the shit. It’ll make you shit, too! Ha. Oh, I’m sorry I said shit twice. Three times! I gotta go, my shoes are yelling at me.” Run out of the store.

Lady Bun Boils Your Bunny

All of us ladies have fantasies—like getting married in a castle or inventing the first portable microwave. These fantasies are what keep us youthful and alive. And believing that the guy you’ve seen twice at Starbucks is your soul mate is the best kind of fantasy because it is 100 percent harmless (unless human touch is important to you). Coffee shops are the perfect place to find unrequited love because people are too busy farting and staring at laptops to know you exist. Why settle for Mr. Right when you can have Mr. Outta Sight? Here are a few tips to get the most out of your café crush:

·   Being a bathroom attendant is a great way to get to know someone! This will give you access to a side of him that no one gets to see—the vulnerable, silent, squatting side. Plus, men like mystery and nothing is more mysterious than a lady’s arm offering you blueberry scones under your stall.

·   There’s no difference between French kissing and licking his bagel while he isn’t looking.

·   The fact that he doesn’t know who you are works to your advantage because it’ll force him to believe in magic. Sometimes that magic will be finding an anonymous lipstick kiss on his unattended napkin. Other times, that magic will be identity theft.

·   Always remember, love is like coffee: It’ll burn your crotch if you’re not careful.

Remaining anonymous is key in making things last forever. But that doesn’t mean you can’t share memorable moments. The key is to never stick around long enough for him to remember your face, but make a lasting enough impression that he’ll talk about you to his friends. Try these tried and true incognito icebreakers:

·    If he asks you why you’re sitting four inches from him with your laptop say, “What? Oh. I’m sorry. I thought you were the WIFI.” Then yell “java script!” and run away.

·    When he’s waiting behind you for his coffee order, turn to him and whisper, “Don’t worry. I’m almost up…in fertility years.” Then scream, “java fix!” and run away.

·    Ask him where the coffee stirrers are and exclaim, “I just love mixers!” Then throw a fistfull of them at his face and yell, “javalin!” and run away.

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
Follow us! @kurtbraunohler and @albz

Previously - Romantic Kissing