Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Neverending Weed

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,

My girlfriend smokes weed every day. It's like she can't hang out with me unless she's stoned. I don't smoke pot but what can I do to make her feel like she doesn't have to smoke to have fun around me?

Hot Dog Blows Some Knowledge in Your Face

Remember pot is not addictive. It’s just a thing that some people have to do every day from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep. But those people are not addicted, they just “love pot a lot.” But honestly, they could be doing a lot worse things, like constantly listening to Tori Amos or getting into Downton Abbey. So count your blessings. But it’s understandable that constant pot smoking can seem like a boring routine. And let’s be honest, you probably won’t be able to convince her to not smoke weed, but you can do some things to make her feel like she doesn’t need to.

• Rename yourself “Raspberry Cooze” and claim to be somehow different from when your name was just “John.”
• Constantly remind her of things she did ten years ago that she feels bad about, and suggest she should call those people and apologize. This will mimic the “fun paranoia” of being stoned!
• Watch NY1 for far too long and when she asks why, say, “The remote is judging me.” She’ll identify with that!

But sometimes doing all of that will not keep her off the pot. Here’s some easy and direct ways to ask her to smoke less:

• “Hey baby. I’ll be your pot. You can smoke me. Seriously, put these fingernail clippings in your bong.”
• “I’m only addicted to you. Well, you and alcohol.”
• “If you think about it, my penis is kinda like a bong, but please don’t light my balls on fire like last time.”

Lady Bun Rolls You a Mind Blunt

A heavy marijuana habit has terrible side effects: It can make people reclusive, uninteresting, and keep the show Cops on the air for more than 24 years. But aside from giving boring people an excuse to be even more boring, pot can actually affect relationships and careers positively! Did you know that all the American Pie movies were accidentally written by a dog that took a shit on a stoner’s laptop for two months? That sort of magic is what weed can bring to the table if you make it work for YOU. Here’s how to go from Dazed and Confused to Blazed and Amused.

• Does he love being on the couch? Be his personal human couch by dressing head to toe in wool and having the personality of Katie Holmes!
• Is he less interested in you than video games? Try a game you can both enjoy, like a friendly version of Warcraft where the two of you get stoned and buy shit on Etsy that you’ll never use.
• Is he hanging around his drug dealer too much? Try being his “hug dealer”! Just show up at his house really late at night carrying a backpack full of mittens and tell him you’ve got the best squeezes in town! Then charge him 50 dollars and demand he call you “Boogy.”

Now that you’ve become his favorite form of THC (Tittied Human Companion) it’s time to take some hits of communication off the relationship doobie. After all, potheads have nothing but time to talk, and by talk I mean zone out and eventually fall asleep watching infomercials for the Magic Bullet.

• “I don’t need drugs to be around you. All I need is not having any other options.”
• “You don’t ever have to stop smoking weed. You just need to not be in The Dave Matthews Band.”
• “I like you mellow like this. You’re like a cuddly, conversational cat who comes around when there’s food, except way less employable.”

Previously - Stay Together Forever

@kurtbraunohler and @albz