Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Unforgettable

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I've been dating this girl who keeps forgetting everything about me each time we meet. How can I make myself more memorable?

-Crusty Buttons

Hot Dog Gets You Memory Sticked

Being easily forgettable is great for peeping toms, but terrible for boyfriends. You want to be as memorable as her PIN number to her, and I don’t mean changing your name to 4/2/81. (I’ve tried, they won’t let you.) It’s time to live out loud like Julia Roberts on a Fruitsicle bender! You’ve spent too much time being quiet as a church mouse! It’s time to be loud as a government lion! (If that’s the opposite of a church mouse? I’m not sure.) Remember, ladies are like giant goldfish, they’re beautiful to look at, they hate being picked up and petted, and they’ll forget you in a heartbeat unless you’re truly outstanding (or made of food). Here are some quick and dirty ways that that will keep her remembering you until her dying days:

• You need a brand for yourself that people won’t forget! Try giving yourself a tagline like, “Brian Simpson: Blastin’ Quads and Blowin’ Wads” or “Ted Williams: Surf Dog!”
• Choose a definitive “look”! Predict the next “steampunk” trend by dressing up as a plague doctor and calling it “Windmill Lite Jazz”?!
• Men who are memorable and interesting often have tattoos – why not get a “Gone Fishin’” on your forehead? Or a “Put a Cork in it!” over your butthole?

Now that you’ve got her attention, you need to imprint yourself on her memory like she’s a baby bird and you’re a weirdo bird handler who pretends he’s a bird so he can feel like he’s a father just once in his life. Here’s some one-liners guaranteed to stick to her brain like penis-butter:

• “I own and operate my own furniture rehabilitation center. We help couches and armoires re-acclimate to living in the wild after they’ve been abandoned.”
• “My name is Todd but you can call me Senator Braveheart.”
• “I work security at night, and by that I mean I still sleep with a security blanket.”

Lady Bun Opens Up Your Mental Notes

Men have a hard time paying attention to what women say because we aren’t an episode of Game of Thrones (unless we’re on our periods, AM I RIGHT?????). Therefore, it is fairly common for them to forget what we may have already told them. So because your face is probably not as compelling as confusing battles or “sort of consensual” sex, he will most likely forget where you grew up. The plus is that he’ll never forget where HE grew up, that’s why the easiest way to have him remember things about you is to repeat his personal history as though they were your own! It’ll be like he’s talking to a mirror he can sext with! But how do you slowly become who he is? Here are some cool ways to morph into the man you want to be with.

• If his name is Chase, why not change your name to Chase! But make sure you walk like a Chase, which is usually a half limp with a lot of high-fiving.
• One thing he will always relate to is the ability to pee while standing up. Try to pee standing up a week before your next date and then commiserate about all the shoes you’ve ruined! Just part of bein’ a guy!
• Did he play little league? Play little league! Little leagues will take in most grown women because society believes women have the athletic ability of an effeminate six-year-old.

Now that your transformation into him is complete, he’ll probably want to hear you say some relatable things to get his juices flowing. Try these “lubers” (cool way to refer to pre-sex small talk that only I use) to see more of his “member” in remember.

• “The Fountainhead is also my favorite book! It’s nice to know another person who hates people.”
• “You have a pee hole too?! Wanna bump them? Mine’s a little bigger so you go first.”
• “You and I have so much in common, minus the thing where I carry my ex-boyfriend’s baby teeth in my wallet.”

Previously - Parlez-Vous Romance?

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com

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