We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.
Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
The guy I'm seeing still has his dating profile up on OKCupid and it really bothers me. I guess I thought he was more serious about me than he is. How should I bring up the fact that this bothers me?
Lady Bun Winks at You the Right Way
Everyone knows Al Gore invented the internet after many years of unsuccessfully trying to meet strangers via fax. In fact, “internet” is derived from the words “intercourse” and “net,” because scientists realized that being online was the easiest way to catch penises and vaginas. Later, with the formal introduction of online dating, things became very complicated. Suddenly the idea of “commitment” was thrown in the mix and people like you started getting attached to their PPP’s (‘Puter Penis Pals). The internet makes it difficult for men to commit to just one of the many well-crafted online personalities women create to hide how fucking insane they are in real life. So how do you get him to stop browsing and start dousing you with commitment? Try some of these tips to finally get him to stop diddling his track pad.
• Tell him there’s a new dating site called “M’OK Stupid” and then create a simple website that links to the cover of USA Today.
• His wandering eye might stem from his need for variety. Why not try having crazy mood swings?! Your guy will be in a constant state of surprise, like a cat and his super-bitchy laser pointer.
• Just like regular promiscuity, there’s no easier way to stop online trolling than with a virus. When he’s not home, click on every “Win A Free iPad” link you see and watch his Mac get a rare strain of iGonorrhea in no time.
Now that you’ve managed to make checking his dating profile harder, it’s time to communicate what you really want out of the relationship with words that you chat from your mouth, not from a computer screen.
• “I know you think the grass is always greener but I've spent enough time mowing my lawn 'down there' to be your girlfriend."
• “Please stop using the internet to find girls and start using it to ‘Like’ the Quiznos Facebook page like the rest of us.”
• “I’d like you to press Control-Alt-Delete on that wandering dick of yours.”
Hot Dog Pokes Your Profile Straight
I’m sorry your lady is still sniffing butts on the internet. Finding out your partner is less serious than you about your relationship is difficult to hear, like listening to cats fuck or Katy Perry talk. But before you get hurt you need to make sure you’re not jumping to conclusions. Her profile could be up out of mere laziness and not from wanting-to-get-laid-ziness. Maybe she’s just crying out for attention, like 90% of college girls in Scottsdale, Arizona. Here are a few ways to find out where she really stands on the digital issue of dating you:
• Try creating a fake account and message her asking her on a date. Make sure you use a name that she’ll be attracted to, like TallManRealityTV.
• Maybe she’s just a big fan of technology! Try doing the robot at all times! From what I’ve seen at weddings, this never, ever gets old.
• Let her know that she can’t just play with you. Drop a bone at her feet and yell, “I’m not your dog!” then piss on vagina to mark your territory.
Now it’s time to actually confront her about her online boy-browsing. The best way to communicate with any loved one is by using passive-aggressively confusing statements that can be read in multiple ways. If she truly loves you, she’ll decode it properly. Here are a few spot-on ways to subtly needle her into understanding what you want:
• “This apple is pretty good, right? Yeah, after I picked it up I didn’t touch any other apples at all. I only eat one apple at a time, that’s my rule. Unlike some people who are eating so many apples all the time they’re just sluts.”
• “For me, dating is no laughing matter: its like a funeral or a comedy on ABC.”
• “Has anyone ever explained the birds and the bees to you? That the fucking bird stops checking her OKCupid in front of the bee, as if he doesn’t have EYES!? Bees have like one million eyes!”
Previously - Unforgettable