We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.
Dear Hot Dog and the Lady Bun,
I’m a lady in my early 30s and I can feel my biological clock ticking. How can I meet someone as soon as possible? Any suggestions for speeding the donor process?
Lady Bun Throws One In Your Hole
Dear Desperately Seeking Semen,
Despite what intuition or common sense may have taught you, you should always let men make the first move. Throw every bit of empowerment in the trash because that’s where it belongs, along with your tampons and LinkedIn account. Wait for him to contact YOU. Men are like eagles that are on the lookout. Which brings me to the first tip: Play dead. Not literally dead, but dead personality-wise. After all, eagles love freedom and easy prey, so being a lifeless carcass that lets them do whatever they want will prevent you from losing out to even easier targets, like actresses.
Once he’s caught/contacted you, make sure you create a comfortable environment for the two of you to play the game of “romance.” Show them you're interested through body language!
· Point at your mouth! This helps guys understand you have one to kiss or put their penis in.
· Point to your vagina. This helps guys understand that there’s another place for their penis. Men like options!
· Point to his penis. This will remind him that he needs somewhere to put it.
Also remember: MEN ARE STUPID. So follow Ernest Hemmingway’s advice (not the ”Blow your fucking brains out” advice, but the “Keep it simple, stupid” bit.) Speaking to men on a very basic, elementary school level will help keep them engaged in your date. How about some of these inviting conversation starters!
· “If you show me yours, I’ll show you mine. Unless it’s self-esteem; I don’t have that.”
· “Let’s play a game of hot potato where the potato is commitment and you keep dropping it.”
· “As a kid I used to play with Barbies. Not the doll, the Australian BBQs. That’s why I have these skin grafts.” (Point to your nipples.)
Hot Dog Blows His Load
Dear Susaine Boozler,
Here’s a super secret that no one else wants you to know: The first step in dating is meeting people. Unfortunately, everything we learned as children works against us as dating adults. See, the rules that apply to dating are the complete opposite of the rules you are given as a toddler. For example:
· Don’t talk to strangers.
· If someone touches you down there, tell your parents.
· If you don’t know where it’s been don’t put it in your mouth.
In short, if you want to date, you have to unlearn all basic child safety. But where can you go to meet strangers AND talk to them? The answer is simple: Anywhere. Here are some tips designed to take you from getting “tucked in” to getting “fucked in.”
· Put yourself out there! Try standing on a corner for an hour and yelling “I love you!” to every man who walks by.
· Go to a dog park and tell guys, “I’ve got great dog-raising hips!”
· Why not bring lots of preserves out with you in giant difficult-to-open jars? It’s a great way to get guys to put those muscles to use and also shows you keep a fully stocked pantry. (Hot Tip: Guys like mentally unstable women!)
You see, dates are like oral examinations at a really shitty university that only studies small talk. Just like an oral exam, you need to study hard and take a lot of speed. Think of these ice breakers as your campus library-cum-drug dealer… because let’s face it, the only use libraries have anymore is for homeless people to check their email.
· Be fun! “Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner you can do me in the butt?”
· Be informative! “Did you know that our bodies are made 90% of water? The other 10% is mostly bread. That’s where the saying, ‘ Teach a man to fish,’ comes from.”
· Be sexy! “You’re making me so wet I need to change my adult diaper.”
Previously - My Life's a Mess