Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - My Life's a Mess

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I'm a divorced middle-aged man with four kids, a fat gut, and a bald head. I have no money and no desirable qualities to speak of. I need some advice on how to trick ladies into sleeping with me, so I stop spending the money that is supposed to be for child support on strippers and quit jerking off to Japanese eel porn at home.

 -Led Pencil

The Lady Bun Takes a Swing

Dear Led Pencil,
Most of the time I answer reader questions by addressing the question as though a lady asked it. So let’s say you are, in fact, a female with the same quandary.

Unfortunately, the dating world has made it so that a balding, fat, divorced, poor middle-aged woman with four kids is treated like VCR cleaner: You find them at the Salvation Army and no one knows what the fuck to do with them. However, society has made you a perfect candidate for a TLC reality show, especially if one of your four kids is clairvoyant and/or has a weird foot disease. So, at least there’s showbiz.

But what if depressing reality show fame doesn’t cut it? What if the only thing you want is to find someone to share a few depressing meals with? This is when you have to put on your cleanest Pajama Jeans®, find a sitter, and step out into the cruel world. You see, the thing to remember about dating is that there is someone for everyone, as evidenced by the fact that Robin Williams has been married four times. All humans deserve someone to love/blame a bad day on. But what can you do to stand out in a society that focuses so much on youth and looks? The answer is sort of like that People magazine crossword puzzle you’re working on: EASY!

The most important thing is to always put your kids first, no matter how much those assholes have to do with the fact you are alone. The next is to use wisely the little time you have alone--somewhere between carpooling and crying on the toilet. But where does a gal find some one-on-one time with a possible suitor? How about the all-American, super time efficient hotspot we call drive-thrus! Here are some things to remember:

·      The average salary of a fast food employee is $7.19 an hour, so they’re probably as displeased about life as you are. You already have something in common!

·      They say, “Don’t shit where you eat,” which is probably why most Americans don’t poo in their cars. However, no one ever said, “Don’t bone where you eat”! Put the baby seat in the trunk and get some action in your middle-junk!

·       Fast food parking lots are often gray, sad, and empty. So are you! This is more a fact than a helpful hint.

So what do you do when the next handsome(ish) drive-thru attendant says hello because it’s his job? Try some of these on-the-go icebreakers:

·   “How about some minimum-wage sex for some maximum-wage regrets?”

·   “Did you order the jumbo sized vagina? I have four kids.” (This tells them a little about yourself.)

·   “My favorite song is Melissa Etheridge’s ‘Come to my Window.’ I see this as a sign that I was meant to meet you and also that I’m 56.”

Hot Dog Pitches the Advice Ball

Dear Led Pencil,
If you are currently living in New York City, then congratulations! What you see as a list of “flaws” will probably make you sound like Ryan Fucking Gosling to most single women in this town (or at worst Ryan Reynolds). Remember women outnumber men in NYC, and bars are open until 4 AM, which means the majority of women in NYC are having sex with a monster at least once a day. It’s just a fact!

My recommendation? Join a gym! Not to get in shape (unless the shape you’re getting in is “erect”) but because it’s the place ladies will least expect you! The same way nobody is worried about sharks in a desert, women at the gym will be so confused as to why your fat ass is in the gym that they won’t even notice you’re balding! And don’t worry about the cost! “Joining a gym” and “becoming a janitor at a gym” are practically indifferentiable, especially if you always wear headphones. Plus, a gym is the perfect primal environment for people of the opposite sex to meet each other. Where else do people get sweaty while listening to Prince in skimpy outfits? (Besides the White House?) It’s like a dance club with a lot more accidental farting. So slap on your lycra, grab your crotch-stuffin’ sock, and let’s get pumpin’! Here’s some sweet tips to go from blasting your quads to blasting some twads: ·     Crunches are bad. Crunches make you look like an eternal optimist trying to fellate himself. And that’s NOT cool. Instead, try push-ups, which make it look like you’re having slow, awesome sex with a 15-inch dick. ·     Ladies love a tough guy. Try shadowboxing. When a lady walks by, turn to her and whisper, “I’m fighting commitment!" ·     When you’ve finished on the elliptical, punch its screen really hard. This will counteract the emasculating effects of using the elliptical in the first place.

Sample ice-breakers: ·      “You’re really great at running on that treadmill. You must never get raped.” ·       “STOP THE BENCH-PRESSES! This just in! Pretty local lady sweats from her butt!” (And wink.) ·      At the juice bar: “Do you have any juices that will help me be less sensitive?”

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com
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Previously - Reading Between the Lines