We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.
Dear Hot Dog and the Lady Bun,
What are your internet dating tips yo?!
Building walls in real life is really hard, but virtual walls are way easier and take up half the time! The internet allows you to be whoever you want to be without any consequence whatsoever! For example, remember Keyboard Cat? That was Kurt dressed up! You wouldn’t believe how much pussy he got from that! Which brings us to how to get dates using social networking and lying.
Hot Dog Throws One Down Your Hallway:
Looking for ladies online is great because it allows us to do exactly what we’re programmed to do: Play with electronics and judge women by their appearance. Plus, you can’t be rejected online. There’s software for that.
· Try setting your relationship status to “It’s Dumplicated.” That will show you understand emotional complexities AND have a 12-year-old’s sense of humor. Women love children.
· Shoot a profile picture of just your penis decorated with googly eyes and lipstick.
· If there’s a lady you fancy, comment on everything she posts on her wall with a simple, yet classy, “SLAM DUNK!”
· Never express confusion online. It implies weakness. If something IS confusing, always respond with “What's the dilly-o with DAT?” This can be read as true confusion, or as simple, racist irony.
Sample Online Ice Breakers:
· “Do you have any pictures of your family? Just kidding! Only tits please!”
· “Hey I’ve never met you before but based on your pictures I think you’re the perfect girl: you don’t want a boyfriend and you have a tiny vagina.”
· “You seem to be fun and by that I mean, ‘You have blonde hair!’”
Lady Bun Puts One In Your Oven:
Ladies: The internet is great because it allows you to be whoever you want to be. And who you want to be is whatever a man wants you to be. Listing things like, “Not sure” and “What do you like?” under “Interests” will show men that you are open-minded. Or, take it one step further and simply cut and paste his interests into yours! Because remember, guys want to date someone exactly like themselves. That’s why they masturbate.
· Pictures of you in a bikini are the easiest way to show men that you’re the kind of gal who is confident in herself but also probably had a terrible father, both of which are great conversation starters.
· Subtly letting people know you are sad about something is a great way to get them to notice you. Try status updates that warrant sympathy, like “My insides are boo-hoo.”
· Choose to list your career as something that will be unthreatening to a man. Like, “Professional Cupcake Maker,” or even better, “Professional Cupcake EATER!! (But just a nibble!)”
Sample Online Ice Breakers:
· “I think you’re cute. Do you think I’m cute? If so, we could meet up and be disappointed in each other’s personalities. Friday?”
· “Do you like the pictures of me wearing a fake mustache? It says I’m fun and also that I pick up on trends five years too late.”
· "I noticed you liked the picture of my cat! I have tons of those!" (Send him ten flip phone pictures of your vagina.)
Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at firstname.lastname@example.org
Follow us! @kurtbraunohler and @albz
Previously - Knock Me Up