How Awful Are the Free Porn Games on the Internet?

By Luke Winkie

Most of the internet is devoted to games and porn, but the overlap between the two categories—video games that let the player pretend to fuck fictional characters—are often ignored, because ew. But it should come as absolutely no surprise that there are a lot of weird entertainments floating around for those who love gaming and jerkin’ it and are too impatient to do those activities separately. 

A lot of these games are very lousy, and I should know—in a never-ending quest to reach the bottom of the internet, I’ve come across several of these depressing artifacts. I want to share my discoveries with the world so you too know that these things are out there. This is by no means a complete consumer’s guide, but I doubt you’d want to read that, anyway.

VDateGames


The VDateGames website hosts 23 different games featuring 26 different digital girls, all the work of one dude with too much time on his hands who calls himself Chaotic. He’s spent countless hours creating strange, sweaty point-and-click adventures—sometimes he makes people pay money for them, sometimes he releases them for free out of the goodness of his heart. His dedication is sort of admirable, in a way.

In the course of the average game on the site, a plasticky, laughably endowed 3D model arrives at your apartment door for a date, and then you navigate around a slideshow of urban imagery, taking your “girl” to a casino, a park, and even a strip club if you’re feeling particularly risqué. (It should be said that all of these locations are ripped directly out of Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Grand Theft Auto IV, and Hitman: Blood Money. I recognized them right away, and yes, I know what that says about me.) If you play your cards right, you can get your internet dick wet in a number of obvious sexy-fantasy conclusions. Threesomes! Public blowjobs! You can fuck an alien in one of them!

Gameplay: 2/10
Problem is, these games are fucking impossible. To earn your gross sex scene you have to get a very precise set of circumstances to line up on your date. You’d have to be a legit psychopath to go through all the permutations and figure it out. Luckily (?) there is a legion of legit psychopaths on the internet who can provide detailed walkthroughs for every cum-soaked ending there is. But without those walkthroughs, you’ll probably spend a lot of your time on VDateGames getting frustrated instead of laid—just like real life. It’s seriously a byzantine process: “If you want to get her naked in the hotel room, you need to have had three drinks, win roulette at the casino, and purchase the camera at the store. What’s that? You bought the candles instead of the camera? Tough shit, horndog!”

Sexiness: 4/10
I’ll admit that a lot of these models are remarkably well constructed, for what is essentially one man's project that was likely cooked up in some creepy basement. But does this turn you on? Warning, don’t click on this; it is a GIF of computer-generated sex.

No, it doesn't, because the VDateGames chicks are MAD DEEP in the uncanny valley. Unless you’re turned on by cyber-human nymphs who crave polygonal cock, these are probably not the games you’re looking for.

Meet n’ Fuck

I don’t know who makes the Meet ’n’ Fuck games, and I never want to meet him. (It’s definitely a him.) These are basically hardcore, cartoon sex scenes from semiobscure Japanese hentai cartoons, linked together by a few barely gamelike features.

Gameplay: 0/10
At their heart, these are just trivia contests. You’re asked questions, and if you answer correctly, the terrifyingly giant-breasted girls will want to fuck you. Nothing gets a pussy moister than knowing the approximate distance between Earth and Venus in the Meet ’n’ Fuck universe.

Sexiness: 0/10
I don’t find these games sexy because I don't have severe emotional problems—these are nightmarish cartoon fever dreams, not erotica. If you are turned on by the anatomically impossible cocks and tits and sex acts, you are going to be severely confused when you finally do get laid.

Gunguro Girl

Ganguro Girl is a middle-school classic. Before you had the balls to find actual porn, you’d turn to whatever smut you could siphon out of free gaming sites like Newgrounds. At least that’s how it worked for me. So many countless, curious nights were spent logging a ridiculous amount of time into this stupid game, just desperate, desperate, for some preteen glimpse of eroticism. This game, by the way, is from 2002, when technology hadn’t reached VDateGirl levels.

Gameplay: 0/10
I honestly have no idea how I had the patience for this in my youth. It plays like a cut-rate JPRG, with all the boring repetitive grinding that entails, except instead of potions and swords you’re buying flowers, and instead of defeating a world-threatening demon, the game climaxes in a 30-second sex scene. Without the cheat codes (yes there are cheat codes), you’re caught in a perpetual loop of talking to your girl, giving her presents, and asking her on dates until you’ve earned enough experience to see her pussy. Ganguro Girl bills itself as a “dating sim,” but if real romance were this monotonous, the human race would have died out long ago.

Sexiness: N/A
I’m going to be honest, I didn’t get to the sex scene in Ganguro Girl, because it would’ve taken me something like 90 minutes and a lot of pointless clicking. I did get to the sex scenes when I was 12 and had a lot of disposable time and no concept of self-respect, and I’m sure I enjoyed them very much. But the things it took to reach that point… occasionally your girl would mention what her height was in centimeters, and when you went on a date with her, she’d sometimes ask you to give her that figure exactly. If you answered incorrectly, you had to start the whole date over. Fuck Ganguro Girl.

Hungirly

Hungirly is a slideshow of sad, unhealthy-looking Hungarian girls stripping while you pretend to have a conversation with them. Inevitably, the porn-video-game industry was going to go international and turn actual, real-life women from countries where there aren’t a lot of employment options into characters in a game. Hungirly is the result. Hoo boy.

Gameplay: 2/10
The English translation of the dialogue is a little dodgy and filled with terrible sex puns, as you can see from the above image. “Thanks, I just really need to put it in.” HA HA HA MY CHARACTER IS ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT HIS PENIS. God, the world is terrible.

Sexiness: 0/10
If you want the porn, you have to hand over your credit card information to Hungirly HQ. I wasn’t feeling that brave, so all I got to look at was the blank stares of these depressing, likely underpaid models. This is a website that should make you feel sad.

@luke_winkie

More on porn:

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I Tattooed Porn Websites on My Face so My Kids Wouldn’t Starve

Indifferent Cats in Porn

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