How Grindr Can Get You Everything You Need, Except Butt Sex

By Brian Moylan


Another move, courtesy of some guy on Grindr.

One of the greatest things smart phones have done for the swinging gay lifestyle is picking up the old school bathhouse and dropping it in the pocket of every homosexual with an iPhone and a libido—which is to say, every homosexual. Yes, Grindr (and its imitators like Scruff, Mister, and other macho-sounding apps that haven't even been invented yet) is a way for gays to get laid whenever they want, so long as other people within a one-mile radius have their phones on. It uses fancy GPS technology to locate queers on the prowl close to you and track their distance from your current location (0 feet away means he's actually inside you right now).

But there is more to life than getting laid (well, kinda). There is also stuff! And drugs! And favors! All of these things are possible to score on Grindr if you know a few simple tricks. Here are some good ones I learned from a few of my friends.

GO RURAL
According to Sean, an expert in using Grindr to get all sorts of things other than head, getting things out of people is a lot easier when you're outside the city. "In New York, all the conversations are very sexual," he says, which is good if all you're looking for is some slap and tickle. "Even when you come to New Jersey, people are a little more chatty here." Once you get them talking, that’s when you reel them in and milk them (surprisingly not a sexual reference here) for all they’re worth, and it appears hospitality isn't an urban virtue.

RELY ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS
When Steve’s job sent him to Denmark for a year, he was not only all alone, but stuck with a washing machine whose knobs and buttons he couldn’t decipher, thanks to it being labeled by Vikings. "I found the closest guy who was acceptably cute and chatted him up. 'I'm new to the neighborhood. Strange question—how the hell do I work this thing?'" Steve sent the guy a photo (of the washer, not his dick), and his mark happened to have the same machine. He came by a short while later to show this dirty boy how to get clean.

CASE THE JOINT
The longer you talk to someone, the more information you can get out of them, giving you a better idea of what you can scam from them. Sean's boyfriend was chatting up a boy on the phone who mentioned he was moving. Sean and his boyfriend had just moved too, and needed some furniture. Next thing you know they had scored themselves a dining room table and chairs for $70. Even if it's IKEA and breaks in a year, that’s a whole lot longer than a BJ will last you.

CAST A WIDE NET
If you're looking for something specific, asking will get it for you quickly. It works even better if you ask every guy in your immediate vicinity. Jake, who needed to score some weed while visiting Boca Raton, Florida, discovered this trick. "I got on my Grindr to find some green! I just said hello to everyone who was on there and asked them if they had a hook up in the area," he explains. "Finally one guy did! He told me he'd get it for me and to meet him in the mall parking lot. He also said that once I got into his car, to pretend like we were old friends because his brother was with him. So I just went for it. I got in the car and was like, 'It's been so long. How long has it been?' His brother bought it and I bought something else."

WORK THE SEXUAL TENSION
You don’t have to put out, necessarily, but you should at least be on the flirty side. After all, a guy is going to be more likely to help you out or give you stuff if he thinks he might get to dangle his balls in your mouth in return. "Having sexual tension in friendships is totally OK," Sean says. " There is that underlying tension that I kind of enjoy." And we all know that sex can be a very healthy motivator.

FIND A NEIGHBOR
Everyone is looking to get a cup of sugar (where you dump a pile of cocaine in your partner’s asshole and sniff it out) from a neighbor on Grindr, but sometimes you need a favor that’s a bit more practical. Eric, who lives in a high rise in the gay section of Toronto, went to hang out on the roof one night when the door closed and locked behind him, leaving him stranded with nothing but the phone. Not knowing who to call, he got on Grindr and messaged the closest queer who happened to live in the building. Instant rescue party!

LOOK FOR SPECIALISTS
Sean says that while talking to one guy for several months, he discovered they were both doctoral students in the same field. Eventually he asked this dude to read his thesis paper for him. "Finding anyone else who wants to read a relatively boring document is hard," he says. "I was really happy that I was able to help somebody." See, it helps to ask questions other than, "Hung?"

GIVE THE REACH AROUND
Getting stuff off Grindr is just like getting laid: It's not over until everyone is happy. Sean also read his friend's thesis in return and Steve helped his Danish friend write an essay in English (he also fucked the guy on the regular for several months, which is another form of payment all its own). It's all about karma (or oral sex); you have to give if you want to receive.

HAVE A CUTE PICTURE
You don't have to be another one of those headless torsos with impossible abs, but find something that's flattering. No one is going to respond if you're a total dog.

More Moylan:

This Gay Indie Sex Movie Isn't Porn, Even Though It Kind of Is

How to Suck Your Own Dick

Erotic Hypnosis Gave Me the Most Intense Orgasm of My Life

@brianjmoylan

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