How I Will Win The G-20 By Tony Abbott

​This weekend, Australia will be hosting the G-20 Summit.

For those unfamiliar, the G-20 is a special gang that can only be joined by the world's top twenty economies: the United States, the United Kingdom, Australia, Russia, China, Japan, Saudi Arabia, Canada, Germany, France, Brazil, South Africa, Turkey, Europe, Eurasia, Oceania, Freedonia, Gringots, Apple and Donald Trump.

Brisbane has gone all-out to accommodate our international guests: Barack Obama will be staying at the Marriott Hotel, David Cameron will be staying at the Treasury Hotel, and Vladmir Putin will be staying at the Ritz. That last one was actually requested by Malcolm Turnbull, who has worked out a special "Putin on the Ritz" dance number to welcome our Not-Soviet frenemies.

The G-20 is a very important meeting where the world's most vital matters are to be discussed, and I'm here to tell you that Australia is going to win. I know many were disappointed in our gold medal tally at the Sochi Olympics, but this time the Russians are coming to us, and Australia will come out on top.

Confrontations

I plan to confront all leaders on the issues that concern me the most. I will shirt-front Putin over MH-17, I will pants-back China over our secret free trade agreement, and hat-down Angela Merkel over the disappointing series finale of Inspector Rex. There is no item of clothing or direction that I won't combine when confronting the world's most powerful and strangely-dressed people.

Naturally, a lot of the media has focused on the "shirtfront" part of my comment, totally ignoring what I said next: "You bet you are. You bet I am." Context is everything, and this context demonstrated I was drunk or jetlagged or something, barely able to string words together or connect them to human thought.

Even though I may have let the shirt-fronting opportunity slide when ​meeting​ with Putin at APEC the other day, I'm confident that this time I'll be able to take him by surprise.

Putin apparently wrestled a bear once. That may sound tough, but that one-on-one animal conquest is incredibly inefficient. I've crafted environmental policy that will wipe out all the bears. Who's tougher now?

Environment

Those who say I am anti-environment should know that I am standing up to the United States, one of the biggest carbon polluters in the world. Specifically, what I'm standing up to them about is their ​attempt​ to put the Green Climate Fund on the agenda and unveil the post-2020 greenhouse emissions reduction target.

Australia is keen that the meeting should focus solely on "economic issues", and frankly I can't see how a catastrophic breakdown of the world's support systems could possibly have any effect on that.

But I know that's all a bit wordy and confusing, so sub-editors skimming this article can use this summary: "Abbott Standing Tough Against Carbon-Emitting USA"

Economy

Economic growth is the primary concern of this weekend. As I said the other day, we must "promote​ ​economic growth and jobs growth by strengthening the private sector". This is something China and Russia have seemingly embraced, with China's first-lady Peng Liyuan  str​engthening Vladimir Putin's private sector in Beijing recently.

Because the private sector is so important, we've managed to remove harmful language about "equality" and "inclu​sive growth". We're worried this might look hypocritical given we're cutting unemployment benefits and increasing the cost of healthcare and education. And you wouldn't want me to look hypocritical, would you? That's bad for the economy.

What's good for the economy is our nations introducing policies to grow our collective wealth by 2 percent. And it's in everybody's best interest to see the twenty richest countries get even richer.

Women/Education

Some have said I'm anti-women and anti-education. I strongly disagree. I plan to introduce a "No Daughter Left Behind" policy, that will see the world coming together to provide free, quality education for our daughters. All of our daughters: not just Frances, but Louise and Bridget as well.

Real Results

Some have said the G-20 meeting is a consequence-free farce, a photo opportunity where no real decisions are made and no enforceable commitments are even discussed. That it may as well be replaced by a group email chain, where Australian taxpayers wouldn't have to spend $400 m​illion on it during this budget emergency or whatever Joe's calling it these days.

Those who think a group email would be just as effective clearly haven't been subjected to David Cameron's use of emojis and his inability to distinguish between the "Reply" and "Reply All" button. That guy's netiquette sucks. Also, he thinks LOL means lot​s of love. And we wonder why the British Empire fell.

But the G-20 really does produce real results. In 2010, the G-20 agreed to reform the governance of the International Monetary Fund to recognise the growing power of emerging markets, a change that would have had real and profound impact on the world. Of course, the US congress con​tinues to block this change, and other nations became so frustrated by this feet-dragging, the​y set up a rival bank of their own.

It's my hope that our lack of tangible action on issues like the environment will lead others to become equally frustrated to the point that they'll solve the problem, saving us a whole lot of effort and money. If that's not action, I don't know what is.

No, really, I don't know what it is.

In Conclusion

The G-20 is all about nations coming together and sharing our collective values. And to ensure this goes off without a hitch, we're sus​pending civil liberties in Brisbane for the duration of the event.

The theme of this year's event is "Totalitarian Dystopia". We've transformed Brisbane into a sort of theme park, featuring red zones, heavily-armed soldiers in gas masks, and bans on various household items like kites, lizards, surfboards and eggs. There will be military-style checkpoints, no-go zones, and travel within the CBD will be highly restricted.

We hope that Brisbane residents will stay in the city to show our guests what the Australian way of life really is.

Follow Lee on Twitter: ​@leezachariah