Karl Welzein is the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Follow him @DadBoner.
‘Sup. Name’s Karl Welzein, hailing from Grand Blanc, MI. If you’re chill, pretty much everyone knows me as “Captain Karl,” but on the streets, the smooth soul brothers call me “K-Money” due to my mad swag.
A few ticks back, I decided to get into the online computer dating scene ‘cause I kinda burned through all the local babes in my area. I style and profile 24/7, 365, open on Sundays, so they all crave my touch. It’s natural and consensual when you’re livin’ the bad boy lifestyle.
Also, my roommate Dave told me he’s on a break from solo carnal passions ‘til he has a nocturnal emish, ‘cause he heard Sting does it to cleanse his bod from erotic clogs of the past. Dave’s such a grossout. I told him, “past eroticisms shouldn't be purged from the mind. A real man saves 'em up for when you're in a situaish without babe opportunities.” Can’t live that way. Dave maybe can bottle up his guy urges, but it’s not healthy when you’re 100% all beef with High-T like myself.
Almost had me a babe with mega chest beefers and a rockin’ caboose piled high with all the toppings last Saturday. Steph was our waitress at Hooter’s and I was just about to close the deal with the heat of a thousand suns when Dave told her that he had to go “drain his meat” and would make sure to “triple shake his peener” so he didn’t get pee pee stains on his sweats from dribblins. Then he gave me a wink like we were into some weird Euro crap. So stupid. To be fair, I had just told Dave ‘bout how he needs to shake his peener after a whizz ‘cause no babes want a man with pee pee stains, but he needs to learn it just makes classy babes wanna hurl in the trash can when you call your guy zone your “meat” like you’re writin’ for an XXX guy mag that comes in a truckstop value 3-pack.
Enough about Dave. I just wanna choke him out sometimes. Makes me so steamed. Anyway, so I signed up for Ok Cupes and got me a personal, private account. It’s so money. Had some probs with my pic though. I’m not Mr. Kodak or some crap. Accidentally cropped my face kinda bad when I was tryin’ to crank up the color levels to give me a rich, cocoa tan like my main man Guy Fieri. My skin tone looks on point, so that’s the only thing that really matters. I also adjusted some factual information for alluring purposes. Nothin’ big, just wanted to keep some of my personal deets hush-hush.
I was all ready to cruise for babes from coast to coast, then I heard about that Manti Te’o corncob gettin’ burned by some fake robot babe. I’m a real feel man from way back and it’s just never been my style to carry on a pretend relaish like some idiot. I need a one on one caress to keep it hot and natural all night long. Can’t just be sittin’ around pokin’ at my peener & veggies while my babe’s in some other pretend town, not existin’ in real life. Had to change my Ok Cupes to really make it crystal that, fake + babes = not interested. Do the math, you guys.
But, don’t know if that’s enough policy for all guys to play it safe. If you’re some dingbat like Dave, man, you’d maybes just get strung on for years by a babe that could turn out to be a robot, or some guy named Gary who’s gettin’ his jollies while he reads your typed passions, whippin’ around his peener, and rips juicy backdoor Wendy’s cuts to enjoy his own aroma. Pretty nasty. So, thought I’d share some info, guy to guy, on how to make sure your babe is gonna have the real feel.
GUY TO GUY TIPS ON HOW NOT TO GET BURNED BY FAKE COMPUTER BABES LIKE THAT MANTI TE’O WEIRDO
1. Make sure the babe is off the chain in person before you connect on Ok Cupes. If you meet up, one on one, BEFORE a computer date, you can rest assured that she exists and avoid any sort of guy on guy computer cravings or robot hanky panky that’d make you go to Puke City, USA. ‘Course, if you’re into guy on guy carnal passions, that’s cool. This is 2013. More guy on guy action just means more babes for bad boys like myself. It’s chill. Let’s all be as one in the USA, whatever your one on one urges may be.
2. Wear plenty of ‘logne. Babes from all around the world crave a real bad boy sportin’ heavy smellin’ goods. And only REAL babes can smell ‘logne, you guys.
3. Keep your vibes consensual at all times and grow a rockin’ pony if poss-ee-blay.
Follow these tips, and you’ll be havin’ an all-natural babe rendezvous in 0 to 60, pedal to the metal style.
United We Rock,
POWER MOVES: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein is now available for pre-sale from HarperCollins’ It Books.
Follow Karl on Twitter @DadBoner