How to Date South African Girls

By Jonno Seidler

A guy we know sent us this treatise on going out with South African girls. We assume he's dated a few. None of us have so we'll leave it for you to deem it useful advice or sour grapes.

Very few ugly South African girls end up living outside of South Africa. Somewhere between the beginning of Apartheid and the end of that movie with Morgan Freeman about Apartheid or rugby or whatever, their parents managed to simmer down the gene pool so efficiently that almost all of them are now beautiful, rich, and slutty. It’s these girls who will eventually move to your city and, hopefully, into the general vicinity of your junk. But like all cross-cultural navigation, dating a Saffa comes with some important ground rules. Here’s a simple checklist.    

EATING
Every South African girl has a dietary disorder. If she tells you she doesn’t, that’s because she’s gotten bored with one and is looking for another one, like “lactose intolerance” or the thing where you can’t eat wheat. Dating a South African girl means giving up every semblance of a normal kitchen or a meal at a restaurant. Want to know why her ass is so amazing? It’s because when she orders the chicken salad, she asks the waiter to hold the tomato, avocado, cheese, olives, lettuce, cucumber and the chicken skin. By subsisting purely on staples and never swallowing after blowjobs, you can ensure that Ms. Johannesburg 2012 will simultaneously hate herself and look great long after she breaks up with you.

ACCENTS 

Once, there was this guy at work who told me that he thought South African accents were sexy. I then did an imitation of my girlfriend from 2006-2007 and he ran full speed into a vending machine in an attempt to get away. Then there’s the exponential rate at which a South African girl’s accent gets more annoying the longer you go out with her. There’s the benign stuff like “haiiii” instead of “hi” and “yaaaa” instead of “yes,” but you’ll slowly realize that these girls have invented their own lexicon that nobody else gets because it makes no fucking sense. Have you ever “fetched” your friend from the airport? Would you logically abbreviate “how are you going, man?” to “howsit?” Of course not. But now you will.

DIET COKE
The only dietary advice South Africans ever took to heart, aside from running 14 miles on the treadmill every morning while watching Oprah, is that sugar is the most destructive force in the universe. Most South African houses have wine cellars full of Diet Coke. Go and look now. They’re all whacked out on aspartame and if you ever take a sip your girlfriend’s Diet Coke while she’s driving she will deliberately crash into a pole so that you are decapitated and know never to do it again.

TREATING EVERYONE LIKE SLAVES 
Because they grew up with servants in their homes, even younger South African girls who emigrated early on will stil think that anybody with different colored skin exists purely to do shit for them. They will be horrible to waiters, concierges, car cleaners, valet attendants, retail workers, and anyone who has a name badge or is just trying to be polite. If you are remotely ethnic-looking, expect to always be treated like a second-class citizen. Add it to the list of things you should definitely not talk about until you’ve broken up.

APARTHEID
Pronounced “ah-pwoar-tide.” If you say it really fast it sounds like “opportos.” Which is not funny. Nothing about apartheid is funny. Also, South Africans have no sense of humor. 

SEX
If the idea of Grindr blew your mind, you obviously haven’t been to Johannesburg. Before meeting you, a South African girl has had carnal knowledge of at least four or five boys from her tribe who usually look like her cousins i.e. much better than you and built like Channing Tatum in Magic Mike. Because you do not come off like a Boer Brad Pitt, you’ll never truly satisfy her anyway and 98 percent of orgasms will be faked. You can start cheating on her now because she’s almost certainly already doing it to you.

CAPETOWN
This is where all the cool stoner South African Dads who still jam out to Deep Purple on long weekends come from. You will probably want to hang out with them more than their daughters. Having said that, some of the chill genes will have been passed down. Johannesburg, meanwhile, is where all the uptight, chain-smoking, don’t-even-think-about-carjacking-me mothers come from. Trace their roots on the first date. Nobody likes getting the razorblade in the lucky dip.

MONEY
When all the rich South Africans started emigrating, the government cleverly decided that they couldn’t take more than 8 million Rand (about  $900 000) with them at a time. This allowed Saffas to move to other countries looking relatively blue collar while not-so-secretly heading home every year to withdraw more and more cash. Do not ask why your girlfriend is going back to her birthplace for the sixth time in two years, even after she tells you how horrible it was living there. Do not ask how she suddenly bought herself a brand new Mercedes when her parents live in a modest house.  They’re taking you out for dinner to a nice restaurant. How dare you be so goddamn rude?

TEETH
There are a lot of South African orthodontists for some reason, and this means your South African girlfriend’s teeth will sparkle in the fucking dark. And though she won’t mention it, she’ll be disappointed in you for your own wonky and discolored excuse for a mouth, which is another reason to keep it shut.

MUSIC 
Dave Matthews comes from South Africa. That pretty much sums up the entire cultural experience you’re going to get here—a bland, unflinching dedication to shows like Grey’s Anatomy, where good-looking white people cry about the trials of being good looking and white while some annoying guy who could possibly be Dave Matthews moans monosyllabically. You will have to watch all of these with her, obviously. And you are not allowed to laugh at the absurdity of the plotlines, either. Almost all of your sexual encounters will happen in front of rolling credits. 

Need more instruction?

The VICE Guide to Being Gay

The White Bitch Guide to Rappers

@jonnoseidler

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