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How to Have Terrible Sex
May 20 2014
Photo via Twitter user Si_Davies86
Last week, a Spanish couple got caught having sex in a bank booth between an ATM and a glass panel. By “caught” I mean pedestrians were walking by and couldn't help but see a naked body wearing black socks atop another naked body wearing black socks through very clear glass, and then ruining the fun by tweeting and calling the cops.
At first glance this seems uncomfortable and overly risky. On second thought though, something motivated this couple to have sex in the foyer of a bank for all the world to see. Maybe payday came early, or there wasn't a withdrawal fee even though they bank with someone else.
Even if you think bank sex is a horrible idea—and I wholeheartedly agree—it's just not as bad as some of the awful sex we have in our homes. We already told you how to have better sex this year, but that's not enough. Some of the things we associate with sex really ought not be, because frankly they're weighing sex down. If we put an end to some of these practices, maybe even the ATM couple will find a more sensible path to ecstasy.
Sex in the Shower
Hey, you know what's better than sex on a comfortable bed? Sex in the cold, cramped corner of the room where you also poop. Sex in the shower is never fun. There are no comfortable positions, and it feels worse because water decreases lubrication. There's also a very good chance you'll slip and crack your head open and then get made fun of on endless blogs for dying during shower sex. Or, even worse, you'll live and TLC will reenact it. Even when shower sex is basically working, at some point you're going to notice that the water has been awkwardly blasting the same part of your body for too long, and it's getting red and sore.
We’re all so used to chuckling every time we hear 69 that it’s easy to forget that the integer itself is connected to something, and not just two intrinsically hilarious digits. It's a sex number. A sex number that, for straight couples at least, signifies the absolute worst sex position of all time. When I’m getting eaten out I want to actually enjoy being eaten out. I don't want a dick in my face while it's happening. I can't focus on my own pleasure if I have to work on pleasing someone else while it's happening.
Calling it “69” never made sense either. I personally would have gone with “sad anchovies” or “tragic conjoined twins who won’t survive.”
Actually Eating Edible Underwear
Photo via Flickr user Big Blue Ocean
Edible underwear might have possibly started as a joke, but people took it seriously, not knowing that anything sex-related that you can buy at Spencer's isn’t meant to be used as anything other than a bachelorette party gift, or a frat prank. Edible underwear least of all. If you really must eat while getting hot and heavy just go with the more classic and cost efficient whipped cream. Or do what I do and hide a sandwich under your pillow.
All types of edible underwear are made of foods only children normally eat, creating associations with more innocent times, which is tons of fun because who doesn't want to think about their childhood while someone is licking sugar off their ass?
There are two basic kinds: The more popular kind is gummy and resembles Fruit Roll-Ups, harkening back to school lunch. Oh my God. Remember the 1990s? The other kind is a candy necklace, but an underwear-shaped necklace that tastes like chalk. The real disadvantage to the candy necklace kind is that if you don’t shave your pubes completely, any loose hairs will get tangled in the lattice of candy and elastic cord, and then be ripped off when you remove them, or just move at all.
Roleplaying is this thing the lamestream media has made seem “fun” and “exciting” but that, outside the kink community, turns out to be something we all try once and then never again. You’ve seen the trope: the wacky friend on that family sitcom mentions the sexy maid uniform she wears to spice things up with her husband. But at its core, this is acting, and there’s so much wrong with acting while having sex. Namely, most people are not good actors. I can barely act like I'm having an orgasm! Am I right ladies? Ladies?
Let’s all acknowledge that instead of being this fantastical thing that transforms you and your partner into completely different people, it usually ends up looking like a half-naked beginners' improv class. “Yes, officer, I am horny, and I'm also the president of the United States, and your mother.” Leave role-playing to the professionals. By professionals I mean Dungeon Masters.
Sex with a Friend
Good old “friends with benefits,” the 100 percent certain way to end a friendship. Sure it seems like there’s going to be a rom-com twist. One of you ends up asking, “Where is this going? What are we?” You go over the terms of your initial negotiation but suddenly things pop up like, “Well we’re already such good friends and are having sex, why not just be a couple?”
Oh, but we aren't all Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, and actually the friendship is ruined. Even if your sham of a relationship seems to take off, the friendship is still ruined when you break up in two months. And no, you won't get back together like Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. What was it all for? Some sex? Some sex you could have had on a Tinder date, or with an ex? Friends with benefits is a big old pile of bullshit.
A one night stand with one of your friends is a lot more doable. One slip-up can be handled, as long as you don't repeat the mistake. No matter how great it was, you want to keep that friendship in tact because, well, you never know when you're going to need a ride to the airport.
Using Warming Condoms
Review screen grabs via Condom Depot
Change in temperature makes sex fun? I don’t want my vagina to think it’s going through early menopause thank you very much. The best thing you can say about these is that they have a very high failure rate. The worst thing you can say is that a warm penis inside you feels like a penis that has just urinated, so never wear one as a surprise, because there’s not much sexy about pee. Unless, obviously, you’re into getting peed on/bladder porn.
Thumbnail image screencapped from Youtube user MrSm0kill
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