Karl Welzein is the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Follow him @DadBoner.
’Sup. Karl “K-Money” (for mad swag) Welzein here. Comin’ atcha hot ’n ready from Grand Blanc, MI. I’m pretty much the man, and that’s a natural fact, you guys.
February 14th is a stressful time of year for guys in the USA. That’s why I keep it single and ready to mingle until the 15th. It just makes good financial sense. I ain’t one to blow bread on babes just ’cause a calendar says it’s ’Tines Day. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big spender. Everyone knows that in my area. Ol’ Karl likes to really spread it around. Gotta respect the ladies, you guys. Whether I’m at Olive Garden with a smokin’ babe who’s got bangin’ chest beefers, or just keepin’ it chillin’ at ’Bee’s with a dynamite gal who’s got a caboose piled high with all the toppings, it’s always my treat. I’ve got class. That’s just how I operate.
A couple nights ago, I kinda felt like shovin’ a gun barrel in my mouth and endin’ it all. No real reason, just the winter blahs I guess. Everyone feels like endin’ it all sometimes. It’s just part of life and shouldn’t be too concerning. Most times, you just need a good Chili’s cheer-me-up. Remember, no need to eat a gun barrel over the winter blahs when it's sunny and 70 at Chili's, you guys.
A few nights ago, me and my roommate Dave were rockin’ it at Chili’s with the heat of a thousand suns. Just poundin’ top-shelf margs, bad-boy style. Well, I was. Dave got distracted with some nighttime babe. The big difference between nighttime babes and daytime babes mostly comes down to sunlight bein’ a revealing factor. Dave’s supposed to go out for coffee with her this week. So stupid. Coffee’s a daytime situaish. I think he’s just gonna get roped into some V-Day crap, but he won’t listen. Idiot. Dave’s just blinded by his backed-up guy poison. Gotta be extra careful around ’Tines. There’s alotta lonely ugg-a-mugs out there lookin’ for a free hot meal.
HERE’S K-MONEY’S TIPS ON HOW NOT TO GET BURNED BY SOME LONELY UGG-A-MUG BABE JUST LOOKIN’ FOR A FREE HOT MEAL ON V-DAY:
1. Make sure the babe isn’t some street animal. My wallet ain’t a soup kitchen, you guys.
2. Never go out for coffee. It’s just a waste of time where you sit there listenin’ to boring crap about someone’s “life.” Plus, no carnal passions EVER came out of “gettin’ coffee.” Real adults get bombed together at nighttime. It’s more polite as well ’cause the lighting is more conducive to the appearance of the bod and the grill area of both daytime AND nighttime babes.
Plus, booze makes for a more loose and conversational situaish where anything could happen. Coffee only guarantees one thing, and that’s both of you havin’ to take a date break for a huge crap in the Starbucks john. And there’s usually a line. And a lock on the door. It’s a nightmare. Any business that sells a product that makes your backdoor wanna explode should have like 20 toilets, not one. And they shouldn’t have a lock on the door. It’s like some sick game the folks at Starbucks must play to get their jollies. Probably have hidden cameras for watchin’ people in rectal pain havin’ to clench up their cheeks so they don’t blow out their jean shorts. I don’t like lookin’ like some BM clown, you guys.
Starbucks acts like they’re so much better than everyone. You sell hot black water and muffins. Calm down.
3. Stay single and ready to mingle ON V-Day. You can pretty much walk into any bar on ’Tines and see it crawlin’ with babes achin’ for your touch, especially if you’re a real man like myself. No need to go out for some fancy supper. Just cut to the good part where you’re both bombed, consensual, and maybe groovin’ in a corner to Seger’s “We’ve Got Tonight.” Real slow. And revvin’ up your carnal engines for a rendezvous in possibly the parkin’ lot or a private cab on the way home. It’s more special to make a natural connection than to just pretend like everything’s comfy cozy over some bullcrap ’Tines date, you guys.
4. Wear plenty of ’logne.
United We Rock,
POWER MOVES: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein is now available for pre-sale on Amazon from HarperCollins’ It Books
Follow Karl on Twitter @DadBoner
Image by Jordan Rein