How Would You Like to Evolve?
Jun 10 2013
Illustration by Sam Taylor.
So chickens used to have dicks. Who knew? A new study examines why some types of birds have lost their penises thanks to evolution (so that hens can control their species’ population, apparently). I thought that sucked for all the chickens out there who relish the idea of having a dick, but have been shafted by evolution—which got me thinking about what kind of ways I'd like to evolve.
However, I soon got bored of imagining myself with oversized pinkies (for impressing women with) and decided to ask some other people how they'd like to evolve instead.
Aaron: I think I’d be smarter. Mind you, I suppose I could just learn more stuff—does that count as evolution or just learning?
I think just learning. And why are you being so hard on yourself?
There’s just so much I don’t know.
Sasha: I’d be able to fly, obviously.
How are you going to evolve wings?
By repeatedly flapping my arms. That would work, right? They'd stretch out and become wings eventually.
Yeah, that sounds legit.
Eric: I wouldn’t change anything—I’m perfectly happy as I am.
There’s nothing you'd improve about yourself?
Nope, not at all.
Fair enough. Can I take a photo?
Maybe evolve some confidence and learn to love yourself.
Aika: What do you mean "evolve"? As in what would I change about myself?
I guess so, but keep it Darwinian.
I don’t know. Maybe hi-vis skin so I don’t get run over?
Do you think that's would help you in the world of dating, too? It would be like peacocking all the time.
Probably not, but that’s natural selection, I guess.
Previously - Is the Government Watching You?
The Real: The Real 'True Detective'?
We Asked Three Doctors How Illegal Drugs Affect Your Sperm
OK, So I Have a Drinking Problem
Photos of Beer, Beards, and Broken Heroes at Oktoberfest
The Story Behind Nas's 'Illmatic' Is Almost as Great as the Album Itself
We Met the World's Leading Authority on Bootleg Bart Simpson T-Shirts
The Story of Dakota Joe, a Jailbird on the Appalachian Trail
The US Prison System Is Shrinking, but Very, Very Slowly
Meeting the Man Who Cared for Survivors of Anders Behring Breivik's Killing Spree in Oslo
The Alternative Miss World Beauty Pageant Prefers Bitchy Quips to Bikinis