How Would You Like to Evolve?
Jun 10 2013
Illustration by Sam Taylor.
So chickens used to have dicks. Who knew? A new study examines why some types of birds have lost their penises thanks to evolution (so that hens can control their species’ population, apparently). I thought that sucked for all the chickens out there who relish the idea of having a dick, but have been shafted by evolution—which got me thinking about what kind of ways I'd like to evolve.
However, I soon got bored of imagining myself with oversized pinkies (for impressing women with) and decided to ask some other people how they'd like to evolve instead.
Aaron: I think I’d be smarter. Mind you, I suppose I could just learn more stuff—does that count as evolution or just learning?
I think just learning. And why are you being so hard on yourself?
There’s just so much I don’t know.
Sasha: I’d be able to fly, obviously.
How are you going to evolve wings?
By repeatedly flapping my arms. That would work, right? They'd stretch out and become wings eventually.
Yeah, that sounds legit.
Eric: I wouldn’t change anything—I’m perfectly happy as I am.
There’s nothing you'd improve about yourself?
Nope, not at all.
Fair enough. Can I take a photo?
Maybe evolve some confidence and learn to love yourself.
Aika: What do you mean "evolve"? As in what would I change about myself?
I guess so, but keep it Darwinian.
I don’t know. Maybe hi-vis skin so I don’t get run over?
Do you think that's would help you in the world of dating, too? It would be like peacocking all the time.
Probably not, but that’s natural selection, I guess.
Previously - Is the Government Watching You?
AssMatrix.com Analyzes the Asses of the Masses
Should We Televise the Trials of Famous Murderers?
Having a Tibetan Sky Burial Means Birds Will Slowly Eat Your Corpse
I Had to Survive London Fashion Week on Free Gifts Alone
The Scottish Independence Campaign Lost Because It Didn't Win Over Glasgow's Poor
Time-Travel Movies Are Garbage
Cambodian Surf Rockers Were Awesome, but the Khmer Rouge Killed Them
I Dressed Like an Idiot at Fashion Week to See How Easy It Is to Get Street-Snapped
The Ultimate Basic Bitch Tournament
The Future of Our Gay Neighborhoods