I really hate those girls who say they cum every time from sex. Either they’re not telling the truth, in which case I hate them for being filthy liars, or they are telling the truth, in which case I hate them because I’m deeply jealous.
I don’t always cum from sex. But even if I don’t climax, I enjoy sex most of the time. Trying to explain this to a man is like trying to explain why Bono is a fucking cunt to a U2 fan, impossible.
Recently, I was seeing a guy, and he tried to front:
“I’m going to make you cum.”
Right. Hold up, buddy. As soon as a guy tells me he’s going to make me cum, I can pretty much guarantee that I’ll be rushing home in the morning to sit on my dildo.
“That’s OK,” I tried to brush it off, “Sometimes I just don’t cum from sex, it’s cool, I’m still having fun.”
“Nah,” he shook his gorgeous man head, “I’m so going to make you cum.”
What followed was a methodical implementation of all the things he knew I liked (because in the time we’d been sleeping together I’d shown him these things), but his motions were forced and desperate, overly designed to achieve a purpose rather than luxuriate in the sometimes disgusting but entirely natural things I like done to me. All I could think about was cumming. He was overdoing it, and I was overthinking it.
So let’s get this straight: Cumming is not a guaranteed thing. Sometimes guys don’t cum (I know, crazy right!!!!) but a lot of the time, girls really don’t cum. Even if a guy tries his darndest to do the thing he did last time to make her knees shake, there’s no promise that will work on a second occasion.
There is no formula for female orgasm. It’s a mental thing. There are times when I’ve barely been touched and blown a stack faster than a virgin on his second stroke, and there are times when all the right stimulations have been attended to, and yet my brain’s checked out—ergo, no cumming.
But say your brain and your vag, in a rare and merciful moment, decide to come together and shake hands, take heed. All you boys out there can learn a thing or two about your girl from her throbbing lady bits, just as she can from your ejaculatory habits. And while she might not mount her Everest by the same path every time, you might find a preferred pattern emerging, so pay attention.
When She’s On Top
A woman who likes to throw down is a woman who likes to be in control. She probably has a sensible haircut, an alphabetized bookcase, and two cell phones. On top girl also has the best lingerie, and she’s probably going to want you to acknowledge it, so if you can just try and pull her tits out of her bra-cups while leaving the bra itself on. This girl knows what she wants, what she likes, and most importantly what you like. I bet she even ordered for you at dinner and her choice was amazing. At this point you’re basically just her human vibrator, so I guess just lie there and enjoy the show.
When She’s On the Bottom
This girl thinks she’s had an orgasm based on what she’s read in Cosmo, but deep down she’s not really sure. In fact, she’s probably not even really sure if she likes sex that much. She’s the kind of girl who watches Sex and the City and thinks it’s racy, then goes out for cocktail hour with her “gal pals” and proclaims she’s “such a Charlotte!”
From Oral Sex
I really want to call this girl a fussy bitch but I hate calling women bitches, so let’s just leave it at fussy. Detail-oriented and goal-driven, this girl is intent on things, and I’ll bet that after some pretty fruitless sex (for her at least) she thought to herself “Fuck this shit, I’m not leaving here without an orgasm.” This girl is nothing like me—if she wants to cum, she’s going to cum, God damn it. She’s probably really successful at her job in some bullshit creative field that most other people just sort of flail about in. Girl gets results.
By Getting Finger Blasted
This is one patient motherfucker, let me tell you that. I’ve tried to teach guys to finger blast, and it’s like trying to discipline a cat—you think they understand what “bad” means and you’re quietly chuffed until the next day you come back only to find the idiot has pooped in the wrong place again. So this woman is practically a saint, because she’s willing to take the time to teach and re-teach the art of finger banging to a thing with a brain the size of a pea (sorry guys are smart or whatever, but as soon as one gets a boner it’s like all the knowledge just falls out of their brain). We all owe this woman a debt of gratitude should we be lucky enough to get her sloppy seconds. I don’t know about you but I’m baking her some cookies.
Very, Very Loudly
I bet this girl has more than 1,000 Facebook friends. Are you checking? Loud girl is The Life Of The Party. She likes the sound of her own voice. She could also be really insecure, and making a lot of noise is a really great way for her to feel validated. Especially if you have a really hot female roommate within earshot.
Like She’s in a Porno
Remember the guy from last week who cums on your face? Yeah, he was this girl’s high school boyfriend. All her expectations are colored by the fact that her first boyfriend told her about all the sex moves he saw in a porno, only he told them to her as though that’s what everyone does and should enjoy, and then they probably did them together. When she grew up and went to college, her second boyfriend was face guy’s cousin, titty cum guy; so continued her sexual education. This girl has little to no grasp on reality because she’s never encountered it, and that’s probably the only reason she thinks it’s super hot to stand on her head spread-eagle while a guy enters her asshole from above while eating peanut butter out of her vagina and she screams for a god she probably doesn’t believe in. Yeah, it’s pretty dark.
What can you really say about a girl who gets off on a dude’s balls smacking against her clit? I feel like she’s probably awesome and tells great dirty jokes. If this is you, call me.
While Her Nipples Are Being Squeezed
This girl could be me. Please check that you are not, in fact, fucking me. If you’re not, chances are this girl is a lot like me. In which case she thinks farts are hilarious and likes to watch you fucking her in the mirror. Every time she has sex she likes to imagine she is in her own private porno, but a totally awesome feminist version where she’s wearing some really classy but still slutty lingerie, there’s grinding instead of pounding, and you’re a Ryan Gosling look-alike rather than a saggy balled, 50-year-old recovering heroin addict. Nipples girl is probably a total narcissist, the leading lady in a movie that’s constantly playing inside her head. She’s also into the raunchy details and wouldn’t mind a soft spanking.
On Her Own
Now here’s a girl that is “empowered” or at least totally chill with masturbating (you’d be surprised how many girls I know who aren’t). Her parents were probably old hippes who raised her to be really self confident and have a healthy perspective on sex and all that sort of lovely nonsense. If she only comes from masturbating herself though, that’s a whole other thing entirely. In that case she was probably raised by some strict Catholics who imbued her with all this stupid guilt so that when she’s being “impure” with a man she feels bad asking for the nasty things she really wants. She knows God can still see her when she’s on her own, but like all good Catholics she knows that it only really counts if other people see you too, because then God’s got backup.