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      I Told You Not to Call the Police

      January 12, 2011
      Jonathan Smith

      By Jonathan Smith

      Deputy Editor

      I just finished watching Bill Zebub's new film, I Told You Not to Call The Police, a movie about a rapist, told entirely from the rapist's point of view. My roommate walked in while a naked girl was crawling around on all fours and a chubby finger was prodding her body like a half-done T-bone. He tried to ask what the hell I was watching, but was drowned out by a deep, scratchy voice telling the girl to "turn over."

      I emailed Bill last week asking for a screener of Dolla Morte, a film which apparently features Jesus fucking himself, a butt rape scene with the Pope, and George W. Bush trying to drink Christ's blood, among other, equally disturbing plot lines. Unfortunately, Bill informed me that Dolla Morte had been out of print for quite some time, but he had a copy of a more recent film, Zombiechrist, and would I like a copy of that? Well of course I would.

      Instead, what he sent was I Told You Not to Call The Police. The cover art looks exactly like a porno, with girls grabbing their lady bits, lying seductively on couches, and bound to rafters with their hands above their heads. I was a bit disappointed, because Zombiechrist sounded awesome, but if you send me something with naked people all over the cover, I'll watch it.

      This is the first lady to get raped by the rapist (which is really you, because it's all POV cinematography, remember?). This is also when a droning, machine-like soundtrack that brings to mind those blacklight bug zapper things kicks in. It plays nonstop for nearly the entire movie. After making her remove her clothes, he prods her boobies and stomach with his index finger a bunch. This is a recurring move that he does with all of his victims, and one that I still don't entirely understand. Is that a rapist thing? Do they do that?

      Then he makes her stand over his face before telling her to lie on her stomach, her back, crawl around like a puppy, and FINALLY humping her. Seriously, that whole thing took up the first 20 minutes of the film, and it's not that long of a film.

      The next 30 minutes or so are more of the same, but with different girls. He makes them all do the same stuff, and it all takes fucking forever. Our rapist is a boob man, and the girls make funny faces when he grabs them, like this:

      He also watches them shower after he's done, and they make some funny faces then too:

      By about the 45 minute mark I was beginning to freak myself out a bit, because I wasn't as disturbed as our social norms dictate one should be when watching a movie about a rapist. But besides the boobs and vaginas, the sex stuff was all relatively PG, and none of the girls seemed terribly bothered about being violated. I was more bored than anything else. I was about to turn it off when the rape guy walked into a room with a girl on the phone and said "I told you not to call the police." Boom. Title line, something's about to happen.

      In the span of about ten minutes the movie catapulted from a snoozefest to a de Sade novel. Rape man brings in the girl's dad, and after making him poke his daughter with his index finger for a while, he tells the girl to S her dad's D. Surprisingly, the dad doesn't seem nearly as upset about these goings on as he should.

      Although it doesn't show any dong, there's a closeup of the girl with her dad's business dripping out of her mouth. EWWW!

      After using his shirt as a napkin for his come, the dad starts plowing his daughter. The craziest part of that whole deal was I'm pretty sure he just went for it without the rapist telling him to.

      Then they get their mouths glued together.

      OK, after that fucking abomination (my roommate was sitting at the kitchen table this whole time and kept saying stuff like "what the fuck are you watching?" and "did that guy just say he wants him to eat whip cream off his daughter's vagina?") there are some questions that beg to be answered. Who the fuck is this guy and why does he keep poking and raping these women? We need to know what his motivation is.

      Enter this saucy little number. He tries to give her a rape, but says he can't feel guilty with her because she seems to enjoy it too much, the little slut. Then, the excruciatingly slow buildup throughout the WHOLE movie blows its load all over the goddamn place in about two minutes flat. He opens up to the slutty one and tells her that he can't feel anything. That's why he's doing all of this, so that maybe the resulting guilt from all of these rapes will shake his other feelings awake. Or something. She tells him he's afraid of getting caught, which is a feeling, so he should turn himself in because jail would fucking blow, and all the crappy stuff that would happen to him in there would have to make him feel something. He tells her no, thank you very much, but I want to be free when I get my feelings back. This spawns the idea that if he gets her pregnant and holds her prisoner until the baby is born, the stress involved will bring his feelings back. Oh yeah, and if his feelings don't come back by the time of the birth, he says he'll just kill the baby.

      Then comes the best line of the whole film (and one I'm going to use when I'm trying to put a baby into someone (consensually, of course) ): "OK, get on your back and let's get you pregnant."

      Fin.

      JONATHAN SMITH

      Although this is the only one of Bill's films I've seen, apparently a lot of his others are hilarious and much more lighthearted than this one. If you'd like to buy any of them, Amazon is probably your best bet.

      Comments

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