I Went on a Wizard Quest

A few months ago, I had the most fun I have ever had in my entire life at a place called Wizard Quest in Wisconsin. I've been trying to explain exactly what it is to people ever since, but haven't had much luck. According to their website, it's a "13000-square-foot fantasy-themed labrynth (we call it the quadrasphere)." But that doesn't make it sound anywhere near as awesome as it actually is, so here's a blog about it.

If you intend to visit this place in the near future, maybe don't read this blog. It's gonna have a lot of spoilers.

These photos make this place look crappy, but that's just because I didn't realize I'd be blogging about Wizard Quest, so the camera I took along wasn't really up to the job. In person, with mood lighting, it looks awesome. I promise. Well, maybe not awesome, but definitely less crappy.

Anyway, this is where our adventure started: in a library room with talking, mystical plasma screen picture frames.

Once the mystical plasma screens had explained our mission to us (something about freeing four wizards trapped in elemental realms) this bookcase opened up into a "vortex tunnel."

And we were welcomed into the magical kingdom!!!!! To give you a sense of scale, that door you see near the center of the frame is a regular-sized door.

We were given a sheet with questions and riddles that we had to solve by exploring the four themed areas of the "quadrasphere." If we solved them, we were given "glimmers." Once we had enough glimmers, we were able to free a trapped wizard. Oh, and the wizards were all in hidden rooms that we had to access by crawling through a hidden tunnel or finding a secret door. It was just about the most exciting thing I've ever been a part of.

But anyway, if you wanna get to the different realms you have to use these portals.

Or, if your vagina is too large, by going down these stairs. (Americans: how many times do we have to tell you this? Fanny means vagina in English English.)

The first realm we conquered was the Earth Realm. The conquest involved climbing (or in my case, falling) through this giant, two-story spiderweb.

We also had to negotiate our way past some unnerving mannequins…

And a mirror maze…

And a top quality sign.

This puzzle involved opening drawers in a certain order to unlock doors. I feel like this exact puzzle is in a Resident Evil game, but can't remember which one. Can someone please tell me in the comments? It's driving me crazy.

Once we'd freed the Earth Realm wizard, we headed to the Sky Realm. Which, to be honest, was kind of a snoozefest.

But here's the Sky Realm wizard being freed (you set them free by scanning a personal barcode at that little scanner at the bottom). As you can see from his "Get in!" hands, he was pretty happy about it.

Then it was off to the Fire Realm. A realm described inarticulately on their website as, "themed dark… so to some kids it can be a little scary."

One of the puzzles was hidden at the end of this tunnel submerged in the ball pit.

Which was fun until I got stuck in a human traffic jam and ran into some breathing difficulties. It turns out that their website was right to urge caution. While taking this photo, I was 99 percent sure that I was about to die.

Seriously, who thought that would be a good idea? It's a grave. A cutesy, irritating grave.

After collecting enough glimmers in the (very steamy) Water Realm to finally free the fourth wizard, we started freaking out because we only had ten minutes left, and couldn't find him. But then…

We found a secret tunnel under the table in the shrimp-with-human-legs dinner party room!

And yayyyyyy! We saved the wizards. Our reward? A 10 percent discount in the on-site gift shop (which was called the "Gnome Depot"). Woooooh!

Just in case you're snide enough to think that my enthusiasm's been ironic all along, let me say: Wizard Quest is genuinely the most fun place I've ever been to. It makes Disneyland look like an internment camp made of shit.

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE