Well it's snowing here in New York, and I just opened up a huge bag of trail mix, so I guess I'll write about dicks. Penis talk comes up a lot here at the VICE HQ. The majority of the people I work with either have one, want to sit on one, or spend a sizeable amount of time trying to figure out if they really do smell like Oil of Olay like someone told her once.
One time my friend and co-worker Sasha Hecht, Girl Reporter, asked me to draw a penis on a dry erase board, and I did, taking special care to draw an arrow pointing to the flaps of the penis. She was quick to point out that most dicks don't have anything that would be considered even close to being a flap. I swear I've seen flaps. I guess maybe I don't know. Today, via the VICE twitter, I asked people to send me drawings of what they would speculate their Dad's dick to look like. Here are my favorite submissions:
This first one was sent in by a person who's email is TheKittyToucher, and included the message: "My dads p. cool. He used to be a corrections officer @ rikers island. He retired two years ago and now he just sits around at home and does karate all day. When I was growing up, he always told me my life would be easy because I was sure to have a huge dick, just like him. I'm grown up now and my weird tiny dick looks nothing like the glorious circumcised labia lacerator I always imagined him being burdened with. "
This one here is very abstract. I'm not sure I even understand. Maybe this person believes in flaps too. The guy who sent this in is named Humberto and I picture him drawing this picture on his drawing board in his modestly furnished room, like that guy in La Bamba.
Saving the best for last, this included the message: "I've attached a picture of dust because my dad's been dead for 24 years. So this is what I imagine his weenis might look like."
You might find this to be depressing, but what you don't know is that it gave me inspiration to finally start my new side gig as a DJ in all the hot NY freakout relevant barf bars under the name DJ DUST DICK 2005.