How to Behave Yourself on the Internet in 2014

Photo of typical internet user via Flickr user Stian Eikeland

On Sunday, the "Snappening" apparently happened, meaning your genitals—and the genitals of hundreds of thousands of others—is probably now being gazed at sexlessly by a load of wily hackers. What's going on is that a bunch of Snapchat users downloaded third-party apps that save photos they get (thus negating the entire point of Snapchat), then some hackers claimed they'd stolen 200,000 of those saved images and are now saying they're going to upload them all to a searchable online database of human junk.

Some are saying the whole thing was actually a hoax, but the point here is that it's 2014 and technology is scary and confusing and genitals are just flying all over the place. In this climate, how do you keep people from seeing your boobs or balls? Or even just your pubes? And while we’re at it, what are the politics of taking a dick pic in the first place? Or accepting a friend request? Or buying crap on Etsy?

The internet has muddied the waters of social etiquette, so, like a sewage treatment plant, I am here to clean them.

WHAT IS SNAPCHAT AND HOW OFTEN SHOULD I POINT IT AT MY BOOBS OR BALLS?
Snapchat is an app teenagers use to sext and that my housemate uses to take selfies of himself while he goes jogging. You should never point it at your boobs or balls unless you are supremely confident that no data leak will ever happen again in the future of all human civilization.

SHOULD I SPONSOR MY FRIEND’S MARATHON?
I am extremely in favor of not ever giving anyone money to run a long distance if they get a medal at the end of it. Because here’s the thing: Nearly everyone who does a marathon does it because they like running already. Do you hate running? Then why are you doing a marathon, you idiot? I’m not paying you for that!

There's a school of thought among my people—we who eat an entire pizza in one sitting—that nobody who does a marathon has ever actually been asked to do a marathon. So until I too am sponsored for doing things I like—inactivity, wearing sweaters, slowly unpacking an iPhone from its box—I will not be sponsoring any marathon runners.

An example of what you might come across on Tinder

SHOULD I TRY TO FIND TRUE LOVE ON TINDER?
If you were asking me a year ago, I would have said, "Sure, loser." But it is 2014, and Tinder is now a platform for people to make jokes, take screenshots of their jokes, and then hope their Tinder joke screenshots get picked up by BuzzFeed.

Do you think you could ever truly love someone who does that? Exactly.

SHOULD I BUY SOMETHING FROM MY FRIEND’S ETSY SHOP?
a) Is your friend making, like, a cushion, or an iPad case, or something that is of vastly lower quality than some cheaper, mass-produced thing you can buy with actual money in a normal shop? If that's the case then: No, don't buy something from your friend's Etsy shop.

b) Is your friend making something that is better or at least as good as something you can buy in a shop? Then: Maybe. It all depends on whether you need beaded jewelry or a small felt bag full of dice.

SHOULD I ACCEPT THIS RANDOM FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST?
I’d say so, yeah. I’d say pretty much always. The worst thing I've ever known to happen from accepting a Facebook friend request is that you have to see someone you don’t know post blurry photos from a nightclub a few times before you put them on mute. Live your life. Live a life full of adventure. Say yes to some weirdo wanting to be your friend on Facebook. Who knows, maybe you work with them and you just didn’t know it.

SHOULD I “LIKE” SOMEONE’S “PROFESSIONAL” PAGE ON FACEBOOK WHEN I’M ALREADY FRIENDS WITH THEIR PERSONAL PAGE, MEANING I ALREADY SEE IT EVERY TIME THEY POST A LINK TO THEIR NEXT OPEN MIC OR LATEST BLOG POST?
No.

WHAT HAPPENS IF SOMEBODY SENDS ME A JOKE ON TWITTER AND I FIND THE JOKE AMUSING BUT DON'T HAVE ANY RESPONSE TO THE JOKE?
You favorite the tweet and move on.

HOW MUCH SHOULD I CHIP IN TO MY FRIEND’S KICKSTARTER?
Kickstarter is where finely polished blocks of wood go to be turned into acoustic iPhone stands, and where your friends will pester you, daily, to pitch in $50 for their new "Reggae—FOR KIDS!" album, with backer rewards including "our undying thanks!" and "a badge." These are the three amounts you can feasibly donate to your friend’s Kickstarter:

1) $25, which you pledge when you absolutely know with utter confidence that the project will never make its pledge goal, meaning you will never have to actually hand the money over. Total win-win, except for the guy whose project it is.
2) $25, which you pledge because you really, really want to read your friend's unedited 800-page memoir printed on thin, thin paper.
3) $0. It is completely acceptable not to believe in the people you know.

SHOULD I ADD MY FRIENDS ON LINKEDIN?
No. Do not add anyone on LinkedIn. LinkedIn is for people who own multiple outfits that are suitable for job interviews, and who don’t feel their heart beat loudly in their throat when they check their bank balances. It’s not for you.

Photo via Flickr user Anthony Topper

SHOULD I RSVP TO A FACEBOOK EVENT?
I RSVP’d to a Facebook event once. It put a handy note in my iPhone calendar and then I went to the party and it was fine. There were snacks.

Also, though, I got a hundred million life stories masquerading as excuses from the infinite number of people who were invited to the snack party but ultimately couldn't make it.

"In Indonesia that week, and the six weeks leading up to it! Have a snack for meeeee!"

"We were going to drive down for it, but [extremely complicated story that is a lie to cover up for the fact that the liar hit "attending" because they didn't realize who had invited them.]"

It is simple: Do not RSVP to Facebook events. This seems to keep the notifications in check. Admittedly, I forget to go to about 60 percent of the things I'm invited to now, but I’m willing to accept that trade-off just so my phone doesn’t buzz every other second.

I JUST WENT TO A PARTY AND MET A LOAD OF TWITTER PEOPLE. HOW MUCH OF MY MORNING SHOULD I SPEND TWEETING "@" THEM TO TELL THEM HOW NICE IT WAS TO MEET THEM?
Zero percent. Just do a vague tweet saying what a fun night you had and they will assume it was meant for them.

SHOULD I "LIKE" A PICTURE OF SOMEONE’S RECENTLY DECEASED RELATIVE ON INSTAGRAM?
This is sort of tricky, because you don’t want to be like, "Hey, I endorse this death." But then you don’t want to ignore the fact that someone died and someone you know is sad about it on Instagram, so play it by ear. One thing is definite, though: Don't ever say anything like, "Damn, you had a pretty sexy grandpa." People don't like it when you do that.

SHOULD I SLIDE INTO YOUR DMs LIKE, "YO, HERE’S MY DICK"?
If we've learned anything from the picture that showed up on cricket player Ian "Beefy" Botham's Twitter account, it is this: no.

Follow Joel Golby on Twitter. 

More stories about the internet:

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Internet Porn Ruined My Life