It's A Racist, Racist World



A good third of the Tidbits people send us have some kind of racial implications—usually black. Here’re the funniest ones.
RUBBLE FROM DR. JOSEF MENGELE'S HOUSE
After WWII, a bunch of Nazis decided to start the white race all over again in the jungles of Paraguay. They called it Nueva Germania and nobody took it seriously except Mengele, who lived there for the rest of his life. This is all that’s left of his house.
NOGGER BLACK
This Swedish ice cream bar contains toffee covered with vanilla encased in “crispy salty licorice” inside a wrapper that makes you feel uncomfortable.
BLACK BABY ASHTRAY
How’s this for the most needlessly complex ashtray of all time? When it gets too full you’re supposed to pour water down through the head and then dump it all out the other end. Now you have a clogged sink, your garbage is all wet, AND you’re a racist.

GOLLIWOGS
This lovable character is from a British children’s book written in 1895 and it’s based on the author’s trip to New York, where she enjoyed many a minstrel show. This guy is also why old British people call foreigners “wogs.”


NEGRO SLAVE
We bought this statue in New Orleans and quickly decided it is the creepiest thing on earth.

INTERRACIAL PULP
This book is probably about a white woman that fucked a black guy during a racist time and that made it even more delicious, like when you’re not allowed to laugh in school and it makes you crack up more.
TINY SAMBO
Same with this guy. He just sits there ready to serve you because if he doesn’t, he gets whipped. Apparently some people find that level of tough love very comforting.

BLACK RUMMM
Ever notice whenever Europeans have the word “black” in their name, they give the k that graffiti arrow?
MOUNTED OPENER
“This is one of those bottle openers you mount on the wall and then open bottles by sticking them in his mouth. I got it from some guy for my birthday. I asked him why he gave it to me and he said, ‘You love Coney Island, right? This is the Coney Island guy.’ What a fucking idiot.”
EMILY VOTRUBA
KAM MANI
Is this so bad? I mean, it’s a cartoon. None of us look great in cartoon because our features get exaggerated. Relax.
NECK RINGS
Aboriginals all over Asia and Africa still do this. Reasons for its origin are numerous, but the scariest part is when they’re used to punish women for infidelity. They just cut the rings off and the head flops down like a rubber ball in a sock and then they suffocate.

LAWN JOCKEY
That slave statue is so intense that even pictures in a magazine get vibed out by it.
HOUSE NEGROS
Americans got so used to seeing servant-y blacks in feel-good movies like Gone With the Wind, they ended up putting figurines like this in their kitchens just to make them feel more negroey. These aren’t spoon holders or salt and pepper shakers or anything useful. Their sole purpose is to trick old people’s brains into thinking there are tons of hardworking happy negroes eager to help them with their daily tasks. Um, Gladys, no offense, but those people were slaves.

JOSEPHINE BAKER DOLL
She was cool and everything, and is probably solely responsible for making being black so cool in France, but what’s with the tiny nose drawing? Josephine had a huge fucking honker.

AFRICAN PUPPETS
We bought these in upstate New York from an old lady who used to play with them as a kid. How poor were people back then, negative a million?
50 Cent
By Anthony Williams

Music has changed me. I am used to 50 Cent. I can watch 50 Cent on TV. I think of all the 50 Cent songs. I dream about being 50 Cent. I see that 50 Cent is a hot rapper. I want to act like 50 Cent. I have realized that I like 50 Cent.

50-CENT POEM
“I bought this at the public school across the street. They were having an auction to raise money for the school. I paid 50 cents for it. I think it’s racist.”
VITO FUN
NIGGERAGUA
Not sure why, but this Central American speed-metal band is having a lot of trouble breaking into the U.S.

BLACK LOOT BAG
Calling blacks “people of color” was hot for a minute because it seemed so exotic and African. Then CNN started broadcasting images of what it’s really like over there and the world barfed.

PELÉ
A lot of people saw the insults (and bananas) hurled at Pelé as a sign that racism in soccer was getting out of hand, but he disagreed. “In the heat of the dispute, players are going to keep saying things,” he said, “It’s just provocation.”
DARKIE TOOTHPASTE
Colgate stopped calling it this because it’s racist to make money off skin-tooth contrast. Now it’s called MouthJazz, which isn’t much better.

BLACK MAN BOXERS
These are sold in Japan, where men are totally in awe of black cocks.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
It appears to have some welfare Star Wars vibes, but that doesn’t explain much.

STAR WARS LIPS
By the way, if you can’t afford the whole Stormtrooper get-up, Lando Calrissian is probably the cheapest character to dress up as.
AFRICAN-AMERICAN PIGGY BANK
When you put money in his hand he tosses it back into his mouth. I know you think it would be cool to collect black Americana like this, but fags and famous black people have priced it right out of the market. This thing is like $850.

BLACK COCK WHISKEY
Sometimes Asians will try to down this, but they usually pass out because they just can’t handle it (get it?).

HATE DUNKS
We got these Dunk knockoffs in London.

HITLERSICLE
White-power guys use the number 18 all the time because A(dolf) is the first letter in the alphabet and H(itler) is the eighth. Same deal with 88, which is why Kmart just had to recall a whole line of sportswear with those numbers. Swedes don’t worry about that shit because they don’t care about noggers.
NEGRITO COAL
When we showed this Peruvian coal to one of our few black friends he said, “Didn’t those assholes just start wearing pants in, like, the 60s? Who the fuck do they think they are?”
BLACK JOE
From the front of this Korean notebook: “I have a very pretty friends. I will introduce her. Sometimes she makes trouble, but love each other. We play together all the time.”


6 years ago

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