100 Pickled Brains Have 'Gone Missing' from the University of Texas

Someone has ​stolen a hundred brains from the University of Texas, and I for one admire that sort of thing. Because if you steal a hundred brains, you're committing a crime you definitely haven't thought through. You're doing it for the thrill of the chase and the love of the game, because obviously, you really haven't considered the practicalities of storing 100 human brains. Somewhere out there, right now, is a dude or lady wondering how to keep a room full of brain jars hidden from their loved ones and the police.

Some details about all the brains that got stolen: First of all, they might not actually have been stolen. All officials at the university are saying is that 100 brains have gone "missing," as though the brains have just been temporarily mislaid or might, at some point, choose to come back.

What I'm especially in love with, in the case of the missing brains, is the quiet resignation evident in psychology professor Tim Schallert's assessment of it all. "We think somebody may have taken the brains, but we don't know at all for sure," he told the Austin American-Statesman. Isn't that brilliant? Each word just drips with defeat and resignation. A room that had a hundred brains in it now lies empty. Who had the key last, guys? We had a load of brains in here. Where the fuck are all the brains?

The leading theory seems to be that students, collectively, have been pinching a brain here and there, as gruesome Halloween decorations or fodder for student pranks. But the authorities are taking it seriously, perhaps because one of the missing brains belonged to former UoT student and crazed sniper Charles Whitman. "We can't find that brain," said Schallert, who could have lapsed into PR-speak and said something like, "We are currently investigating the whereabouts of the brains and expect they will be returned shortly," but no—he is an honest and plainspoken man who calls a missing brain a missing brain.

The remaining 100 brains are being moved to a more secure building nearby, and presumably a haughty email has been sent around saying something like, "Whoever took the brains please bring them back, no questions asked," so this will all be over soon. But as long as I have a brain in my skull, I will never forget the fact that one time, 100 pickled brains mysteriously went missing so hard that it baffled a bunch of brain scientists.

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