JR Smith Is Dating Rihanna and Life Is Unfair

By Walter Peyton Place

So apparently Rihanna and JR Smith have been hanging out. Or “hanging out.” According to In Touch Magazine, the two were spotted holding hands and being “very flirty” in Veranda—probably a douchey club, like the one which threw him a welcome to NYC party—on May 6.

Smith, for those non-sports heads, is a Knicks guard known for 1. Lobes-to-toes tattoos 2. Jacking up threes, and 3. Twit-pic’ing an ass shot of Joe Budden’s ex-girlfriend in a $25,000 thong. Rihanna, for those living in a biodome, is the Barbadian number one stunna/singer who sells coconut water, dated and was punched by Chris Brown—and then unfollowed him—as well as the equally famous Drake, and reigning National League MVP Matt Kemp.

If these two are indeed having genital parties with each other, there are two ideas at play here. One is that their relationship, or at least proximity, will make a lot of headlines and the couple will become an mixure of whimsy, idiocy, nudity, and negativity that will be a gold mine for Gawker and Page Six writers in the months to come. The other, stupider idea is that this is a bad thing for the Knicks, a veritable Matt Kemp 2010 2.0, presuming the couple stays together through the summer and Smith goes through with his rumored extension with the club. (Remember, when Kemp dated Rihanna, his production suffered; they broke up and he had an MVP-caliber season.) Saying Kemp is immensely more talented than Smith is an understatement, and while Kemp’s shit year likely wasn’t entirely, or at all, due to Rihanna—the Dodgers were in bad straits that year—Smith doesn’t have nearly as long a fall to being out of the league.

The In Touch article doesn’t specify whether it was early in the morning of May 6, or at night, after the Knicks won their first playoff game in 11 years. If it’s the former, Smith was out until 6 AM with Rihanna, that may explain his horrendous 3-for-15 shooting night, but they won! Fuck it! If they went out after the game, he was probably distracted because he was going to hang out and maybe have sex with with Rihanna—wouldn’t you be? Who can focus on the game you’re paid millions of dollars to play when the prospect of intercourse with a woman who is basically famous for being ultra-hot is on the horizon?

Smith seems like the kind of player to play hung over, and if he signs this extension and dates Rihanna, there’s a chance he has a ton of these shitty shooting nights. But there’s a bigger chance he suffers through these garbage nights to begin with—he’s not good—regardless of who he dates. Television shows and relationships have been built on less. What’s important is that if the Rihanna-Smith union lasts, it will be more interesting than anything these not-very-good Knicks do next season.

@samreiss_

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