Kelly’s Krush Korner - Juliette Lewis

A long time ago, when I was living in Chicago, I had a conversation with a writer friend of mine about which female celebrities were secretly most likely to have finger sex with other ladies. I named Juliette Lewis pretty early in the conversation and my friend (who I guess knew her or something) was like, “Oh man, when Juliette is touring with her band or out promoting a movie, she prefers to hook up with women.” This bit of trivia both confused and tantalized me, because it made it seem like vagina is a vacation treat for Juliette. I guess when she’s home and just doing whatever, she’ll enjoy some penis like one would casually walk into their kitchen and make a PB&J, but when she’s on the road, she wants to let her hair down, lounge by the pool, and order room service boobies. Makes sense to me. Now this is all just something I heard, so it may not be true. But if there’s a God, it is.

I’m going to conduct a brief survey now. Dear, whoever’s reading this, are you of the opinion that girls are not as pervy/nasty as boys are? If you answered ‘yes,’ you are wrong. I’m a pretty normal girl, and I get away with a lot by looking like a cartoon, Irish woodchuck, but my brain is filled with filth 24 hours a day, and a lot of that filth involves Juliette Lewis. It takes a special kind of girl to be able to masturbate to Whip It, and I am that special girl. What you may not know about me is that I actually auditioned for Ellen Page’s roll in that movie.

I make a habit of walking around with a copy of Variety sticking out of my back pocket, because I think it’s hilarious. One day, while I was waiting for my friend to finish up with her appointment at Planned Parenthood and was very bored, I started flipping through it and came across a listing that said: “WANTED, shortish, brunette, lesbo looking girls needed for movie that Drew Barrymore has something to do with. Must look good in skates.” I couldn’t believe my luck. I didn’t own skates and hadn’t been skating in forever, so to prep for the audition I went to the thrift store and got some random skates, and then practiced standing around in them looking bad ass and flipping my hair and shit. (JOKES! Curly hair don’t flip.)

When the first day of auditions rolled around I was nervous as hell, sweating everywhere, and dipping into the wine at 10 AM to calm my nerves. I sat in a long line of lesbo-looking brunettes in skates for what felt like forever. Finally my name was called and I went into the audition room and there was Juliette Lewis in some shorts and skates. The audition scene was that one where Juliette comes up to what became Ellen Page’s character and was like “I’m talking all kinds of crazy shit,” and then pushes her into a locker. They handed me a short page of lines to memorize, which were basically just like “No. Don’t do that. You’re old,” and then told us to go for it. I had no problem with my lines and motivation and stuff, but I did have a problem with not making orgasm noises every time Juliette pushed me into the locker. She’d push me and I’d be like “UGGGGGGHGHGH” and they’d call cut and I’d be like, “OK. OK. I can do this.” I nailed one really good take, but when they asked to do one more, just to be safe, I blew it by muttering, “Oh my god. Harder.” I was escorted out and don’t think I can audition for stuff anymore.

Previously - Emily Beanblossom