Kelly’s Krush Korner – Lola Gyno

In honor of Valentine’s Day, and to make what is officially the FINAL KRUSH KORNER as disgustingly lesbian/emotional as possible, I am going to pay tribute to the biggest boner giver I can currently think of, my homosexual girlfriend, Lola Gyno.  And no, Gyno is not her real last name, and it’s not her roller derby name either. I am choosing to leave her real last name out because we recently discovered that someone taught her Grandma how to use Google.

The best part about this is that I have not cleared this with her beforehand so my Valentine’s Day could very well center around me getting dumped and/or slapped in the face at the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast, where we will be spending our VD moistening the sheets, scandalizing weird families who are just there to eat axe-shaped pancakes, and getting possessed/molested by historical ghosts.

Are you ready to learn all about a lady who is 1) hotter than you 2) hotter than your girlfriend 3) hotter than your mom 4) knows what my butthole tastes like? Great! Let’s go!

The reason that I didn’t title this Krush Korner as being Commoner Edition #2 is because LG is no common lady. Lola Gyno is an actual gyno, which I make a point to tell everyone I talk to for more than five seconds. If you are reading this and are a non-lesbian, I’m not sure if you can fully appreciate what it means to have sexual relations with someone who’s profession it is to know all about the inner workings of your most prized body part, but it’s a joy and a privilege that I wish for you all.  Aside from spending her work days looking inside of hoo-has, LG is also a writer, and used her writing skills to hit on me via the Internet nearly three months ago, leading to our first date, and then ultimately leading to our pending wedding ceremony at Dollywood, which will be taking place in two weeks. LESBIANS FOREVER!

Getting back to the whole, the person I’m sleeping with being a gyno thing, have you ever been to the gynecologist? Okay. So then you know that it’s disgusting and semi-painful, and that the woman who comes in to shove metal up your pussy is usually always hideous. What I spend a lot of time thinking about is what it would be like to go back in time and un-date LG just so I could always make frequent pap smear appointments with her which would go down something like this:

LG: Hi, My name is Lola and I’m hot as shit. I’ll be your gyno today. What seems to be the problem?

ME: I’m not really sure, my vagina is just achey and wet all the time. I think it’s broken.

LG: Well, it sounds like you’re being inappropriate, and I should probably walk out of the room now, but you’re insanely attractive and funny, so I’m gonna pull down your underwear now and have a look.

ME: Okay, thank you. Make sure to really get up in there because I think the source of the problem is as deep inside my vagina as you can possibly get.

LG: This sounds serious. I better take off my lab coat and undergarments so that they don’t get messed up by me climbing on top of you to get a firm grip on your vagina lips with these metal instruments that look like dildos all of a sudden.

ME: You’re the best doctor ever. Do you want to date me for three months and then get matching tattoos and then buy a cat and then get married at Dollywood?

LG: Yes please.

ME: Great. Because I love you more than my parents.

Happy Valentine’s Day, losers.  Goodbye 4-EVR.

@wolfievibes

Previously – Paul Banks