Kelly's Krush Korner - Ryan Gosling

When I was in high school I got in a major pissy baby fight with my second girlfriend ever (A girl named Jeannie who now goes by Andy …eeep!) because she said that one of her celebrity crushes was Donnie Wahlberg. The guy who she had been backseat-boning before she met me looked kind of like Donnie Wahlberg, so in my teenage mind of insanity this meant that she masturbated day and night while watching NKOTB videos, but secretly thinking about her ex-bf.

I would imagine that Ryan Gosling makes a lot of jealous boyfriends/girlfriends feel this same sort of nuttery because he is, hands down, the dreamiest salt lick that any pony could ever hope for. Somewhere, right now, a young lady or young man is crying tears of frustration and asking their significant other something hilarious and vulnerable like “UGHHH, if we were on a boat with Ryan Gosling and the boat started sinking, and there was only one two-person life raft on board, would you offer it to me or Ryan Gosling?” This is a ridiculous scenario, but I still have to say that if I were presented with it, my answer would be obvious: give the raft to the loser I was dating and float to safety on top of Ryan Gosling's peen.

I have a funny secret to reveal right now and it’s that every night before bed I perform this powering-down ritual of watching a variety of Ryan Gosling interview clips on YouTube, and then topping it off with a few rotations of his band Dead Man’s Bones. I refuse to actually buy the Dead Man’s Bones album, because to me that would be taking things a bit too far, but I bookmarked live performances of each song from it and will watch those in order while breathing deeply in and out and daydreaming about Ryan Gosling chopping wood. Goddamn. I bet he smells like Christmas trees.

Did you guys see that video that was all over the internet last week of Ryan Gosling breaking up a slap fight in NY? Did you know that I filmed that? You can kiiiiiiind of hear me in the background, but the two friends I was with were so damn loud they kind of blocked me out. Shazilla, Kerry, and I had just gotten some Pinkberry and were making our way over to Petco to look at the hamsters when all of a sudden we saw some guys crying in the middle of the street over a big piece of cardboard. I think the cardboard had one of those humorous street vendor caricatures on it or something. I’m guessing this was the case because amidst the hub-bub I heard one of the guys yell out, “but this doesn’t even LOOK like me!!” My girls and I thought this was the silliest so I took out my flipcam and started filming it when up rolls Gosling in his casual wear to break up the fight! Shazilla was like “that’s that guy from the movies!!!” And I was like “you guys are SO STUPID!”

Previously - Ilana Glazer