Kelly's Krush Korner - Megan Boyle

By Kelly McClure

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I’ve been getting a lot of CDs in the mail and it’s been depressing because I’m in the process of moving and my stereo is floating through the air right now, en route to my new home. The other day I got the galley for Megan Boyle’s new book, Selected Unpublished Blog Posts of a Mexican Panda Express Employee, and when I opened it I thought “good, this is something I can really use.” After I read anything by Tao Lin or his friends I feel like my inner monologue sounds like the way they write, and I feel like that’s happening right now and is leaking into what I’m writing because I just finished Megan’s book while eating Oreos and drinking coffee.

I don’t know too much about Megan other than she lives in Baltimore (which may not even be true anymore) is married to Tao Lin (which may also not be true) and is a talented writer. She added me on Google+ a few months ago, but we aren’t friends on Facebook or Twitter. She said my name on a video that posted to Thought Catalog once, and at the moment she said my name I felt like Tao Lin, who was sitting next to her in the video, made a strange face. I tried to not think about it.

I’m gonna look up Megan’s Facebook profile now and see if I’m able to see or read anything, or if it’s totally private. It appears to be pretty private. You can see a few posts that are about her book, but nothing personal. I’m looking at her Twitter now. Her first tweet is in response to something that someone tweeted at her and says: “glad you liked the Xanax one, nice. I’m American, interviewed at Panda Express but they never called me back.” As an experiment, I’m gonna shut my eyes and scroll down for five seconds, and then type what’s there when I stop scrolling. OK, I stopped eye level to: “ate 2 grams of mushrooms maybe 20 minutes ago to aid in continued liveblogging of Irene.”

I was surprised to discover in Megan’s book that she’s slept with a few women. I want to say the exact number is four, but my copy of her book is on the floor, just out of reach of my hand, and I’m too lazy to reach over and use my fingers to bring it closer so I can check my facts. Also, I have really bad cramps and it’s a little too hot in my apartment right now, so I feel like the chances of me performing any excess movements are pretty out of the question. Anytime homo behavior can be added to the list of things I know about a person, I automatically start liking them even more. Just the other day I learned that Ryan Buell from Paranormal State is a Catholic bi-sexual, and now when I watch the show I feel like we’re sharing something special. I pick up on “sassy” facial expressions that I may not have noticed before.

On a surface level I feel like Megan Boyle is very attractive. She has dark hair and is funny and does stuff with her life, so right away she skyrockets above most people who are wading around in the dating pool of life. She’s not really in that pool anymore, though, because she’s married.

To conclude this, I’m gonna flip through her book with my eyes closed and point at a sentence. That sentence will be the number one thing that you and I need to hear right now and it is: “after that I read in the park until things started to bite me.”

Previously - Sandra Bernhard

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