Ryan Buell, the Catholic, bi-sexual paranormal investigator made famous through the highly addictive show Paranormal State is one of those crushes that creeps up on you like the good version of AIDS. One minute it’s all fun and games when you discover his show on Netflix Instant and spend the next month of your life starting sentences with “Oh my God, this one episode of Paranormal State,” and then before you know it you’re imagining what face he would make while squirting his “holy water” on your back.
Ryan wrote a book about his horrifying childhood spent getting raped by ghosts, and how that made him want to become a paranormal investigator—I keep wanting to say “ghost hunter” but I feel like he wouldn’t like that phrase, and I want to please, not DIS-please Ryan Buell. Anyway, so he wrote this book, which I haven’t read yet but is currently on its way to my mailbox via Amazon.com, and apparently in it he drops the bi bomb. Now that I think about it, though, the episode where he’s woken up in the middle of the night by a call from a hysterical client and has to drive in his silky, silver pajama pants to comfort her should have tipped me off. And you know, it’s cool, I’m fine with dating bi-sexual dudes, it’s not like I haven’t tasted poop before.
Looking at his Wikipedia page now it says that Ryan was born of Italian and Native American ancestry, which means he’s probably a good drinker, won’t have to worry about losing his hair, and may or may not have a nose that takes up the whole width of his face by the time he’s 50. He was raised in South Carolina, which is probably my favorite thing about him, aside from the ghost hunting (SHIT!). When Ryan talks it sounds like he’s trying to form his words around a mouth full of Nutella, and it’s the cutest slash most retarded.
I can tell that Ryan Buell (he has one of those names you have to say in full, sorry) would be a champion in bed by the way he shit talks ghosts. If you’ve seen even one episode of Paranormal State, then you know what I mean. The premise of each episode is basically the same, Ryan Buell and his team will hear about some freaky shit, drive to some far away Southern town, hear the story of what’s going down by some white trash people, and then set up cameras and tape recorders and mark down how many times they hear the toilet flush and the mailman walk by and stuff. Towards the middle of every episode, usually during a thing they call DEAD TIME, stuff ramps up and Ryan Buell will get pissed at the ghosts and shout things like “show yourself, you coward! You son of a bitch!” In one episode he got pushed down some stairs by a goblin or something and I was like “OH NO, RYAN BUELL!!”
I wonder who Ryan’s dating these days. I hope it’s not Chip Coffey. Can you imagine? Well I can’t claim to know who he’s dating or when he’ll text me to go kiss in the cemetery or whatever paranormal investigators do on dates, but what I do know is that Michelle Bellanger scares the shit out of me. Those black tank tops? No, girl. Just no.
Previously - Juliette Lewis