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      Ke$ha's Autobiography: You Forgot the Ghost Penises

      November 30, 2012

      Well, a niche is a niche, I guess. I have read and reviewed another celebrity autobiography. This time it’s Ke$ha’s My Crazy Beautiful Life. It is OK. It is fine. Unlike Arnold’s sprawling, decade-spanning opus, Ke$h-Ke$h’s book covers under 25 years, and really focuses on the three or four that she’s been famous, which is a bit of a limiting force, creatively, I’d imagine.

      My main gripe with Ke$ha’s work—aside from a minor $pelling i$$ue—is that while her songs are all about partying and her "wild" lifestyle, her book is pretty boring. “I’ve basically always wanted to be a singer, and now I am one. My family is very supportive. Glitter,” is more or less the entire thing. And it’s not like the girl doesn’t have some fun anecdotes to share. I am devastated, for instance, that she makes no mention of the multiple sexual experiences she has had with ghosts, or how she likes to pee on weird objects, or the pictures she takes of the crotches of any guys who enter her tour bus (not a euphemism)(probably).

      However, she doesn’t make any of the insanely grandiose statements popular in many celebrity autobiographies, and seems to have written and compiled it with the help of her mo

      m and journalist brother instead of some beleaguered ghostwriter, which is quite nice. Also, the back of the book has some cute pixxx of her fans which seems like a thoughtful shout out to the people buying this rich woman’s scrapbook. There’s also this, which is obviously perfect and which I might hang on my manifestation board:



      Feel free to do the same. Now, on to the important facts and fun trivia I learned on this odyssey into the life of the protégé of Dr. Luke and “the worst waitress in LA”!

      SOUVENIRS ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO KE$HA'S LIFE AND SHE GETS VERY CREATIVE WITH THEM

      So, Ke$ha likes to collect souvenirs from her tours and travels, which is fair enough, but I’m not 100 percent sure she knows what a souvenir is. She says she’s made her assistant carry “everything from vintage lamps, oversize candleholders, rotary telephones, [and] decorative rocks, all over the world. Not to mention the hundreds of human teeth [!!!!!!!] I’ve been collecting from my fans over the years.” OK. My grandpa once stole a bit of the Acropolis which is simultaneously incredible and illegal/terrible, but for most of us a souvenir is a postcard or like, a tiny clog? (If you’re in Amsterdam? Get ready for Christmas, my family and friends!) And then just casually throwing in her collection of human teeth numbering in the hundreds? Which, PS, she has had made into jewellery and a bra. A human-teeth bra. "Wish you were here," am I right?

      THE ORIGIN OF THE DOLLAR $IGN IS NOT THAT INTERESTING

      Something about being poor and how Ke$ha herself is money and has this revolutionary idea that you can still have fun, even if you’re poor?



      “I WAS BORN AT A PARTY... LITERALLY.”

      When Ke$ha’s mom wanted a little sibling for her older brother Lagan (“Lagan”) but wasn’t interested in a relationship, she “decided to ask some of her friends to get her pregnant.” As such, K doesn’t know “for sure” who her dad is, and doesn’t want to. Not wanting to be alone for the delivery, her mom called up most of her friends and had them and a midwife come over to her house. From there “it was only a few minutes before my mom’s best friend, Mindy Rumph, delivered me into the world.” Sounds like Mindy Rumph kind of pulled the rug out from under the midwife’s whole point for being there, but thanks, Mindy. The world’s ears owe you one.

      KE$HA <3S AMERICA

      She shows this by wearing the American flag on a lot of her clothes (her main fashion inspo is “pirates and 1970s musicians,” FYI) and exercising her right to personal expression, every day. However, her favorite things about the US of A are the following: “boys, baseball, baseball players, boots, butts, blood, boobs, and, of course, beards.”

      “Of course, beards. USA! USA!” – Abraham Lincoln



      HER SONGWRITING PROCESS IS NOT SUPER COMPLICATED

      The writing of a Ke$ha track can take between 20 minutes and two or three days, depending on how inspired she and her various song writing partners (sometimes her mom, sometimes her producer, sometimes a guy named KoOoL kOjAk) are. Mainly her songs are very straightforward and “raw” and about partying and being a young person, but sometimes she delves into imagery and it is the best: “We wrote another badass song, inspired by my car, called simply ‘Gold Trans Am.’ It’s a metaphor for my hoo-ha.”

      KE$HA IS POSITIVELY PALEOLITHIC!™

      “I’ve always felt connected to animals. And yes, I include dinosaurs in this category;” “The Galapagos seemed like a place trapped in prehistoric time, and y’all know I love that shit.” Just two perfectly-formed, perfectly-reasonable sentences. Nothing to see here. RIP, the dinosaurs.

      MANCHESTER CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A UNICORN



      I WOULD PROBABLY HANG OUT WITH KE$HA

      And I bet it would be a fun time. Although only once, because it sounds like she is constantly getting drunk and giving her roadies unwanted stick-and-poke tattoos and haircuts. I would not let a woman who once got “FUN!” tattooed on her foot because she was having a lot of fun at the time, give me a tattoo. (Or maybe I would and then cherish it for the rest of my life?) Her descriptions of early nights out at divey LA bars with $1 tequila shots and unlimited free tacos sound great, though. Plus she broke into Prince’s house once, which could only be a better thing to do if it ended with the Artist Formerly Known As appearing and performing a groovy citizens arrest.

      So while it still seems like an absolute travesty that ghost-sex doesn’t come up even once in this entire 171-page effort, I guess what I’m saying is, Ke$ha: Call me, maybe?

      …oh no, that’s a different one. Tik Tok me on your Blah Blah Blah. Bring your Gold Trans Am ;) ;) ;))))

      Follow Monica on Twitter: @monicaheisey

      More insight into the world of celebrity autobiographies:

      Arnold Schwarzenegger's Autobiography Is Inspiring

      Ten Things R. Kelly's Autobiography Taught Me

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      Topics: My Crazy Beautiful Life, Ke$ha

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