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      Americans Are Stupid

      October 17, 2011
      From the column 'Kill the Engine'

      Well, it's finally not hot as balls down here in Texas, which means skateboard season has officially started. To celebrate, I went to the skatepark in Lockhart, TX with my buddy Switchie G. This place is so freaking great. Any skatepark that looks like a damn roller coaster gets a gold star in my (uninformed and unread) book.

      I pretty much suck at skating stuff like this, but it doesn't even matter because this is one of those spots where you can just roll around really fast and have the best time ever. Well, unless you're a hardcore street skater and refuse to try and ride stuff like this. In which case you're blowing it. Nah, just kidding. Do whatever the fart you want. No rules.

      There's an awesome snake run at this park and when you roll through it you feel like an out of control pinball. Or at least I do.

      There are a few minor "street" obstacles littered around the decks. Transitioned pole jam? That thing totally looks like...

      Well, you know.

      If you go to any skatepark in America before noon on a weekday, you'll find some similar versions of these dudes. Probably Canada too.

      I've always kept a fairly contemporary set-up going (with the exception of the ditch wheel phase I went through in the early 2000s), but I can understand a dude wanting to ride a shape from his youth. I still have a Rat Nuts t-shirt that I wear. I get it.

      I personally lack the patience to decorate my skateboard in any fashion, but I appreciate those who take the time.

      This shape actually looks pretty awesome. Might have to trace it for a Roger board.

      Brings me back to a simpler time.

      We had a pretty awesome time playing skateboards and I finally worked up the courage to try frontside ollies on the steep bank wall thing. In my head they felt like this.

      But in reality they probably looked more like this. That's one of the reasons I rarely film myself skateboarding. Because it always feels so much more awesome than it looks. I'd rather just remember how it felt than be forced to acknowledge what actually happened.

      After we finished riding skateboards, we headed into town. This might look familiar if you've ever seen Waiting for Guffman, or if you've ever been to Lockhart.

      Lockhart is one of those towns that's always mentioned anytime there's a TV show about BBQ in America, and this is one of those places that's always mentioned on those shows. This is Smitty's Market.

      There's some weird family drama about this BBQ spot and another BBQ spot in Lockhart called Kreuz Market. I personally believe in saving the drama for one's own mama, so I couldn't care less. But apparently Smitty's used to be Kreuz's till something happened blah, blah, blah. But the point is that BBQ has been prepared in this building for like, 1,000 years.

      And you can kind of tell by how black the walls are. That's not black paint, that's smoke stains.

      You turn the corner at the end of the hall and get blasted with smoke and fire. It's like how Hell is supposed to be. But with sausages.

      It's seriously freaking crazy how much smoke and soot is on the walls.

      What did that used to be? A rope?

      In any other restaurant this would be totally gross. But for some reason it's fully awesome here.

      No forks allowed. If you ask for one they'll tell you to use your hands. But don't ask for one because they'll kind of make you feel like a city turd for asking. If you're reading this and you're a vegetarian, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you'll never get to eat anything this good.

      I'm pretty sure that blogging during lunch annoys the shit out of everybody. Switchie was a good sport about it, though. Thanks dude. (I'm pretty sure that I kind of hate myself now for even typing the phrase "blogging during lunch." I suck.)

      We were almost done eating when Switchie pointed out a Spuds Mackenzie sculpture tucked up in the corner of the restaurant near the ceiling.

      Which reminded me of the Spuds Club sticker I found earlier in the week in my studio.

      Check the shades. That must have been a bizarre meeting at Bud Light when they came up with the concept for Spuds. "OK… what if we shot some commercials with a horny little drunk dog that women want to have sex with... would that work?" It worked. Americans are stupid.

      Movie Review: KRULL

      I'm guessing Columbia Pictures asked a 12-year-old boy, "Hey, 12-year-old boy, what's the most badass weapon you can imagine?" And then the 12-year-old boy said, "Probably a jewel-encrusted boomerang throwing star stiletto with five blades." And since the 12-year-old boy did such a good job answering the weapon question, the movie studio just went ahead and let him write the script for this movie. At least I hope that's what happened. Because if grown ups wrote this movie then I have no idea why I'm not writing movies instead of writing a blog for a magazine's website.

      I hope this doesn't come across as a negative review, because this movie is totally awesome. But I also like Cabin Boy, so my opinion isn't really very trustworthy. My only complaint about this movie is that despite the sexy poster, there are zero 80s boobs in this film.

      Previously - Permanent Ego Stroke




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